I read a quote the other day that gave me pause: "Help is the sunny side of control." (Anne Lamott via Brene Brown) I spent a lot of years trying to "help" my husband. But what I was really doing was trying to control the situation (e.g., throwing out the alcohol, walking on eggshells so he wouldn't have a reason to drink, blah, blah, blah). That impetus to "help" hasn't gone away now that we're separated and he's struggling (!) with sobriety. I feel guilty all the time that I'm not helping him. But I keep reminding myself that my help is really about me wanting to control the situation. If I just help AH, he won't relapse. If I just help AH, he'll be a better father. And on and on. I gotta let go of that thinking. These are his consequences and his problems. I couldn't make him stop drinking. And I can't stop a relapse.