Originally Posted by
Suzieq17 
I have 2 brothers who fit their roles as well. I still deal with an alcoholic father and a mother who favors the boys and makes excuses for my dad (my parents are divorced). I’ve tried NC with all of them at some point, but sooner or later their guilt trip is laid on me and they are back annoying me and blaming me for everything.
My post is for other Scapegoats—how do you accept your role and manage it in a healthy way? I’ve struggled my entire life with this, and just want to understand and move on to becoming the best version of me. We are the truth tellers and confident to speak up and out—I like that about me. .
I have only sisters but apparently I'm the only one who ever told the truth in our family and yes, it got me where I am. Too bad. I'll continue to tell the truth.
It's been around ten years since I've had any real contact with them. I don't buy into their guilt tripping because I've learned that every time I forgive and go back and think they've changed...they haven't.
Originally Posted by
Pathwaytofree Stop reading about it and remove the label. Put it in the past. You are an adult now, and no one can sh*t on you without your permission.
Unfortunately, they can. I've long since gone NC. But they rope my kids in and I hear this garbage sometimes from my kids. Sure I don't give my permission, but they're still infecting my children (grown, btw, so no, I cannot tell them they're not allowed to spend time with these vampires.)
Originally Posted by
Pathwaytofree My siblings had their roles, too. The rebellious (and manipulative) sibling, and the hero sibling. I used to think the hero sibling had a wonderful life until it was explained to me that her role came with a great deal of stress. It makes sense now. None of the roles in an alcoholic home are good. Children shouldn't have roles.
I also realized this. The Golden Child should be happy. She can do no wrong. But she's not. She's missing a sister and is so brainwashed that she can't figure out why I want nothing to do with them even as she spits in my eye again. Yeah, it's insane, but she IS hurting.
Originally Posted by
Pathwaytofree They will continue to put you into that Scapegoat box until the day you die. And you will remain in that Scapegoat box until after you die. Get the f*ck out of the box and kick it to the god damn curb.
How do you suggest someone get out of the box? If I had no kids, no problem. I'd have just walked away. But they're drawing my kids in who are at least half believing the garbage they hear and it gets thrown back in my face. Some of my kids are adults and my XH takes the younger ones to family functions on his days with them. I can't stop their interaction with these people.
No, I don't 'accept' it. But I'm saying we don't always have such complete control over the ramifications of what the alcoholics do. It stinks, but they ARE able to pull people in against us.
Originally Posted by
Pathwaytofree Stop thinking they will. It'll ruin your life. It ruined mine. I will probably have to survive on rice & beans when I retire because of the amount of money I have spent in therapy, crying hysterically because of they continue to treat me the same ways, day in and day out, year in and year out.
I lost a lot of money (yearly gifts, huge inheritance) by walking away from the circus. But I figured years ago I would either a) spend it all on therapy anyway or b) commit suicide under their constant criticism, and having lots of money isn't very helpful when you're dead.
Originally Posted by
Pathwaytofree How I accept my role? I don't accept it anymore.
How do I manage it in a healthy way? By setting boundaries/limitations, keeping relationships surface only, and by walking away if they continue to try to guilt me, blame me, or manipulate me any other way.
I manage it in a healthy way by not accepting blame for anything that I do not deserve.
Yes, agreed. I looked very closely at all that was going on. It was clear my sister had a rage problem with many people, yet they tried to tell me her explosions were my fault. Nope. She was exploding at sales clerks and neighbor kids and who knows who all else when I lived 2,000 miles away. Not my fault.
It's important to look at ourselves and accept blame for what we really are guilty of … and NOT for what we aren't.
Originally Posted by
StellaBlu
I did the No Contact thing for years...and then was scapegoated for that as well
But, seriously, I'm in my mid-50's now and I can honestly say that it has DEFINITELY gotten better. And I attribute this to the following:
1. Dysfunction catches up with people. And it caught up with members of my immediate family. Now most of them are stressed and depressed and cannot deal with their own lives - all because they refused to acknowledge the dysfunction that existed in their lives from our FOO. For all the crap I took my entire adult life from them for being in therapy and not 'being strong enough to maintain a relationship' with members of my family (or so I was accused of), I can say my work in therapy has really paid off.
2. A few years ago my mother was confronting her own mortality and I think this inspired her to want to make amends with me (from her own guilt perhaps?) as best she could. And that helped.
3. I practiced serious generosity with them for many years hoping it would make them ease up on the scapegoating. It didn't necessarily do that, but it did give me something to hang over their heads when I needed to - as manipulative as that sounds - I'm pleading guilty to that.
I honestly believe that if you keep your "eye on the prize", so to speak, and be laser-like focused on what your life goals are and keep yourself on that path, it will work itself out in the end.
...or outlive them and get the last word...
I'm not far behind you. So far, it hasn't gotten better, but mainly because they're sucking my kids into their sickness. I'm still waiting for the dysfunction to catch up with them, for one or more siblings to finally see the light and get help. So far, it hasn't happened. They have each other and they seem happy with that.
My parents are heading toward 80 and it sure looks like they're going to die on this path they're on.
Like you, I feel I've been more than generous and that keeps my nose very clean. I gave them every possible opportunity to reach for that olive branch I was offering and they refused to take it. My nose is clean. I did what I could and could not have done more, short of going back to being their scapegoat which almost certainly would have led to suicide.
I am not being dramatic. But I'm sure everyone here who's been constantly pounded into the ground and told what a piece of garbage they are, always wrong, always the screw up...knows that.
Your advice to keep your eye on the prize, on your own goals, is excellent advice. I've done so since middle school and I believe it's why I've had *very* little therapy. I dismissed them in some corner of my mind, even from that age, and kept focused on what I wanted to do with my life, what I wanted to be able to put into the world.
I looked toward college, then toward career and family and I have done much of what I set out to do. My goal in life is to leave the world a better place than I found it and if I do that, then nothing they say about me matters because those who know me … KNOW me … know the truth.
Do anything and everything to put good into the world around you. Volunteer. Give to charities. Help kids in poor countries through one of those programs. Then your life matters and nothing they say does.