Forgot to check in yesterday.
Still sore from the race saturday but feeling much better, like the cold has broken and now all I need to do is just recover. I got up and did a light cardio workout just to stay in the swing of things and I'm feeling nice and loose and warm. Good stuff, those endorphins.
I was talking to my man friend last night and had a moment of panic when he said something along the lines of "I'm very lucky to have met you." I have been doing so well, but sometimes it feels like I'm masquerading as this sober, put together person who is smart, funny, capable, and independent. That soon everything will fall apart and he'll see what a mess I really am.
I think this is brought on by a couple things. I was so depressed for such a long time, and then I drank on top of it. I have no idea what the real me really is, because I think I'm firing on all cylinders finally. I'm....happy......with no strings attached it seems. Weird. The second thing is that I've never really met someone and let things develop naturally and slowly. I've had relationships before, sure, but during those I was depressed and drinking actively, so my emotional capacity was stunted and I wasn't able to really give it my all. Plus I always took things way too fast. I'm not used to having someone be so nice to me. That sounds pathetic, but it's true.
I called my mom because I had this moment of panic and she talked me down, lol. I think I'm doing this right. Just dipping my toes in and remaining appropriately wary, but allowing things to just happen. I think this feeling of impostor syndrome will fade with more sober time, as I realize that yeah, this is the real me and it can stay this way.
I dunno guys, there's a novelty in normalcy. You finally stop drinking and things start to even out and you can take a step back and just say "huh, I guess this is how it's really supposed to be." I'm marveling at it like a wide eyed kid at a fair. It feels pretty good.
Today I'm getting dinner with my best friend who moved to a different state over a year ago. She moved with her husband who is doing a residency there. It'll be really nice to see her.