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Old 09-06-2019, 06:28 PM
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Lucinda2
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 652
First day of holiday bit of a struggle

Long post alert....

Ok, today was the first day of the holiday with my husband and the dog. Our friends 'who like a drink' are joining in the morning with their dog.

Mixed day. Was pleased to arrive at the holiday destination and find it exceeded expectation, the location and the cottage are adorable. Walking into the kitchen found that the cottage owners had 'kindly' left a welcome pack including a bottle of wine ready with glasses awaiting us. You might imagine what my AV did with that one! It started chattering 10 to the dozen about how we were on holiday, how maybe we could just enjoy the wine tonight, maybe we could take a holiday from not drinking etc etc etc. Anyway, after initially being shaken at how quickly my commitment was crumbling I realised it was not me, told the AV to crack on and chatter all he wanted because I wasn't playing that game, and removed the wine to the cupboard so the AV wouldn't be encouraged to keep it up. Great, I had got this I told myself.

I have been a bit anxious generally about this holiday as it was arranged before I stopped drinking and our relationship with our friends has historically been based a lot around pretentious alcohol-related activities. I have been a bit miffed that they have arranged to do stuff like brewery tours during our break too. Obviously, I am not joining that but is still felt like they were rubbing my nose in it. But I managed to calm down a bit in the run-up by repeatedly reminding myself that I am not a drinker and therefore it has no impact on me what others choose to do.

BUT I also had something else in my back pocket - my husband who is really very much a 'normal' drinker has been supporting me over the last 6 weeks by also not drinking. So I wasn't going to be on my own with this on holiday. Great, that helps I thought. Bless him, he entered very much into the spirit of it all and went online shopping buying himself whole crate load of his preferred soft drinks for the holiday. So yes, I had to deal with the drinking friends but at least I had some back up in my corner. But tonight, we went out for food and he caved the first night of the holiday and ordered a pint. I was visibly upset and hurt that he had said that he would support me through the holiday and then caved on the first night at which point he was really contrite and apologised and said he wouldn't drink it and would give it back to the waiter.

I had already been giving his support a lot of thought recently and come to the conclusion that in an ironic way I am placing myself in a vulnerable position by allowing this support. That it leaves me open to anger and hurt if it gets withdrawn at any point and that in allowing his support I am not fully taking responsibility for myself which is important. So I had already made the decision to let him off the hook and tell him to crack on and have beers when we are out if he wants. But I was going to wait until the holiday was over as I really felt like I could use the support and that as it was on offer I would accept it.

But tonight when faced with the dilemma of him handing the pint back I realised that I was going to need to man up a little sooner than I had thought. It was a no-win situation for me. If I had let him give his pint back (slightly manipulative move on his part anyway) then I would have felt bad, I was already upset that the promise to be a supportive husband had not even made it through the first day and watching him hand his pint back to the waiter wasn't going to take that away anyway. So I made a snap decision that I am an adult, I need to take responsibility for myself. I reminded myself that I am a non-drinker and what others do doesn't impact me and that it would probably be better for me not to be dependent on anyone else anyway. So I thanked my husband for supporting me so sweetly over the last 6 weeks (I couldn't have done that for someone else when I was drinking) and told him that he was on holiday and to crack on and drink his pint.

So now I am on holiday with 3 people drinking and that's ok because I am not a drinker. Except I am not sure it really is ok and I am not sure that I am okay (and I am not even sure whether that is me protecting my commitment that I will never drink again or whether it is the AV sneaking in there telling me I am not okay). I am also still hurt that the husband didn't keep his promise to not drink through this holiday. Again, I understand that I am lucky to have had his support for the last 6 weeks and that I am not being reasonable here.

The upshot of all this is that I am having trouble separating the AV from me and feeling a bit confused. I think I have done the right thing in releasing my husband from his commitment but feel a bit scared about this holiday now.

Anyway, thank you for providing me with this space to get all this out. Tommorrow, is another day and it may all seem different then. When I first joined this forum I wasn't at all honest about my drinking and minimised it a lot. But if I crack this week then I will be leaps and bounds ahead (another waiver with 'if').
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