Time for another post all about me. :P
Yesterday was good. Work was rough, as usual since I hate my job so much, but I got through it. I was waiting for that guy to text me all day and then he didn't, so I went out on a limb and made it happen myself. We chatted all evening, so clearly it was fine. I really need to make sure that my anxiety brain doesn't try to sabotage this for me. The games of relationships are weird though....like don't text too often, wait a certain amount of time before you reply, don't be too needy, be happy all the time at the beginning, don't lean on someone too hard.....I've been on so many dates and had so many stints with different people while I was drinking but this time feels like I'm relearning how to connect with someone all over again. I don't think I've ever really had a healthy relationship with a man, specifically. I always put too much of me onto them, wanted them to be the cure for all my problems. It sounds cliche, but I think I needed a man's approval to make me feel worthy. I say all of this in the past tense, but I'm still unlearning it and navigating through it all.
Slow and steady wins the race when it comes to these things. Sobriety, medication, and therapy combined with hard work makes for success. I'm surely giving it my all.
Other than that, I had an evening off so I just lounged around. I needed to do laundry and a few other things but I ended up just...not doing them, hah. I feel like I'm getting sick, and I have that mud run tomorrow that I think will probably just make me sicker. So I took NyQuil and passed out around 8:30. Felt good to sleep for over 10 hours.
I feel like I'm out of that rut that I was in for a few days regarding drinking, and I think it only came about because I kind of put myself into a triggering situation (mom's house). There was no alcohol present, but it was the action of doing what we always did just without alcohol that triggered me. I need to be more careful. But I feel stronger in my sobriety again, especially after getting back to everything I was doing before. Posting, AA, therapy, check ins on my tracker app, etc. Good stuff. Consistent.
Tonight I'm visiting my grandmother who is in a nursing home. My sister is coming with me. I don't mind visiting her but it makes me sad because I'm not sure how much longer she really has left. She's the most stubborn woman I've ever known, and would live another 20 years to spite death itself if she could. Then I'm going straight to bed to get up for this race. That'll certainly be something.
Thanks all, happy Friday.