Sadly, the fact that we often open ourselves up to people who only hurt us, as we covered in the trust section, makes it ever more difficult to overcome the self-reliance hurdle. Yet the very fact that we invite those people in is direct proof that we still have need for the things that we have been deprived and cannot adequately provide ourselves, such as love and nurturing.
Therefore we suggest we do in fact need other people to help along the way, whether we WANT to need them or not. The challenge then, beyond overcoming our resistance to the concepts needing and accepting help, would be finding the right people for our support system. We feel that the secret here is that we must become the kind of supporter of others that we need for ourselves.
For us, focussing on the kind of supporters we are for others provides two very useful bonuses beyond the obvious rewards of being a helpful supporter. The first bonus is that we attract others into our lives that tend to be at our level in healing and supporting. The second bonus is that we, hopefully, model good supporting for others who will go from the role of survivor to supporter themselves as they have that ability in their growth.
7 Signs of a Helpful Supporter:
Listening - Often survivors have spent many years in silence because if and when they did speak out they were stifled and unheard. Also, frequently part of the abuse itself entailed restrictions on the communications of the abused and demands of secrecy. Consequently it is very important that supporters listen attentively, and really hear what is being said.
Believing - Survivors who were abused as children often had their silence bought by being repeatedly told that people wouldn't believe them over the abuser anyway. Many times they even began to doubt their own memories and perceptions, not to mention the validity of their pain. When a survivor breaks the silence it is, therefore, imperative that they not only be heard but they be believed.
Caring - It is important that a supporter care, but more than that they should also make an effort to be sure that the person they are supporting knows that they care. Good supporters don't just assume that the survivor knows that they care. Instead, they understand that many times those working to heal from trauma don't feel they deserve true caring and often believe that their supporters somehow feel obligated.
Empathy - This is the ability to feel what another is feeling regardless of whether or not you have experienced what they have. This does not mean that the supporter takes on the survivor's feelings as their own, but instead that the supporter is able to feel those feelings with the survivor. Empathy is not only extremely validating for the survivor but also goes a very long way to help them feel they are not so totally alone.
Boundaries - Setting and enforcing good healthy boundaries is extremely important. Boundaries keep the issues of the survivor and the supporter from becoming entangled, and the relationship from becoming enmeshed or co-dependant. Also, whether knowingly or not, a supporter with good boundaries is modeling an important skill that the survivor may need to learn.
Honesty - We can't stress enough how very important it is that a supporter be honest. Survivors have been lied to far too much already. If the survivor is to ever learn to trust again the foundation of that trust will be built during their healing, by the willingness of their supporters to be honest with them both in word and in deed.
Bridge Building - Supporters who are also survivors in or through their own healing journey possess a wealth of experiences and understandings that can be invaluable to the survivor. Sharing of those experiences and understandings by the supporter is not only an act of building bridges but also shining a light into the darkness for the survivor's path.
Supporters have the chance to build up, encourage, and help empower a fellow human being and should not take this commitment lightly. It is a tremendous responsibility and with the positive possibilities come also the negative. Supporters have the ability to unwittingly do additional damage to survivors if they are not careful. The damage can occur if they reinforce the old messages, thus making future trust in others even more difficult.
7 Supporting No-No's:
Fixing - There is a tremendous difference between building bridges and what we not so affectionately call "fix-it mode". We realize how hard it is to walk alongside another who is greatly struggling and how instinctive it can be to want to fix things for them. The truth is nobody can do this work for anyone else and even if they could it is more likely to harm than help, because the survivor would not be able to discover their personal power.
Shaming & Blaming - Statements or questions such as: "You must have led him on", "Why did you make him mad at you", "How could you have let that happen to you", or "You must have wanted it" are extremely damaging to the survivor. Shaming and blaming not only serve to do further damage to the fragile trust of the survivor, but also greatly reinforce their misplaced, but deeply rooted, self-blame.
Blabbing - When people tell others things that have been shared with them in confidence they are betraying trust. It is imperative that supporters respect the confidence of the survivor and keep all conversations private. Failure to do so could result in an emotional re-victimization of the survivor.
Siding - Supporters should be very careful not to "take sides" because support is not about judgement. While it may be easy for an empathetic listener to see other perspectives it is essential that their focus remain on the person they're supporting.
"Should"ing - Whenever someone tells anyone else how they should feel it is very invalidating to how the person actually IS feeling. It also gives the message that they are feeling wrong. There are no right or wrong feelings, feelings just are. Feelings need to be heard, validated, and worked through. That is the only healthy way to actually change them.
Controlling - As a vital part of the healing process survivors must discover their personal power and take control of their own lives. It is part of the supporter's responsibility to help the survivor discover that personal power not to, consciously or not, continue the pattern of control.
Projecting - Any time anyone puts his or her own behaviors, feelings, or thoughts onto someone else as if it belongs to that other person it is called projecting. An extreme example of projection would be the cheating spouse who adamantly accuses the faithful spouse of infidelity. Supporters should be very careful, with the aid of self-awareness and good personal boundaries, not to project on the survivor.
Perhaps above all else the single most important attribute of any helpful supporter is the willingness to accept their own humanity and limitations. There will be rough spots and difficult times but open and honest communication is essential to overcoming any and all relational hurdles.
We might note, at this point, that the format of this writing might seem to insinuate that there is a clear line distinguishing supporters from survivors. On the contrary, however, it is our deep conviction that the most effective and helpful supporter-survivor relationships usually include two supporters and two survivors, because each person is a supporter AND a survivor.
Finally, it is possible in any type of support relationship for one person to give too much and the other to take too much. When this occurs we believe it is often because the giver is determining their worth based on how much they can give, and the taker has no clue how much they have to offer. If the support relationship is to be successful and long lasting it is extremely important that both parties come to understand that support is give and take, a mutual relationship.