Morning Glory

by The Collective MiSFiT

A support system could be defined as the network of people we surround ourselves with in our day to day life, all of whom fulfill different needs in our lives. Please do not confuse this with a support group, as the dynamic for a support group is entirely different, although much of the information here can overlap.

This has been an incredibly difficult subject for us to even contemplate writing about, as we have struggled for many years with the concept of "needing help". We continue still to struggle with the deeply ingrained core belief system that is at the root of our resistance to reaching out for support.

These core beliefs were solidified over the course of many years and unlearning them is probably going to require a lot of repetition. Therefore, it seems appropriate to address that resistance first; since the beginning of building a support system might be the acceptance of support.

UNWORTHINESS (lacking in excellence or value) -=- "Why would anyone want to waste their time on me? I'm just not worth it."

While our feelings of complete and utter unworthiness are quite valid, they do not in any way line up with the inherent truth. Our experiences and our abusers taught us we are unworthy, in order to keep us silent and submissive. As a result, often that belief goes far and deep into the core of whom we have become.

We believe one of the most effective ways to overcome this hurdle is to evaluate whether or not we have the ability to take someone else's word for whether or not we deserve their help and attention. In other words, we had to make a choice to accept help "as if" we deserved it in spite of being convinced we were unworthy.

Initially this meant thinking and believing that people who were there for us were somehow obligated to be there and merely putting up with us. Over time we have been able to come to the place of really believing they do see value in us we do not see in ourselves. It is our hope that, as we continue on our way, somewhere down the road we will actually see in us some of the value they see.

UNIQUENESS (being without a like or equal) -=- "Nobody understands me and I get so tired of having to explain myself."

In our experience uniqueness can sometimes be a wall that we attempt to hide our shame or pain beneath. For us, the feeling of uniqueness most often comes from the isolation that is commonly a result of the abuse. Silence was the rule. Since it was easier not to tell the secrets if we spent our time alone, we became more and more isolated. After awhile even when we were around people we were alone.

Spending so much time in isolation results in believing that we are the only ones in the world feeling what we are feeling and nobody will ever understand. Perhaps the only way to really overcome this hurdle is to look and listen. There are many people out there breaking the silence and telling their stories. We are not unique, and we are not alone.

SHAME (a condition of humiliating disgrace) -=- "I'd be too ashamed to face people if they knew what happened to me."

The truth is that the shame really belongs to the abusers. The message that it belongs to us is a lie. Children are not born with the ability to feel shame. Children are not even born with a need to cover their bodies. It is adults in their lives who teach them. Some of the lessons they learn are "good" and "right" in our society, such as wearing clothing in public. Some of those lessons are lies, such as shame.

We did not bring shame upon ourselves but children usually cannot know the difference between the true and false lessons. As adults in healing we must relearn these false lessons and break the hold that they have over us. It begins when we hear for the first time that there is nothing we could do to force a non-abusive person to hit, beat, molest, or rape us and therefore we have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

A therp can tell us the abuse was not our fault and we have nothing to be ashamed of, until they are blue in the face; but if this information is not coming from a peer it does not seem to hold as much weight. We believe that the most effective way over the shame hurdle is to seek out those who have similar experiences to ours, in spite of our shame. In other words, those we are most afraid to face with our shame may very well be those who are most able to help us to overcome it.

LACK OF TRUST (assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone) -=- "If I let you in, you will let me down. If I care about you, you will hurt me. If I show you who I am, you will leave me."

The vicious cycle of trust issues is a very difficult support hurdle, since it's another of those lessons we learned from our abusers. Trust nobody. We trusted them and they abused, betrayed, neglected, and abandoned us. Since we learned early on that we were responsible for this pain (the shame lie) then the logic follows that if we trust we will get hurt.

Unfortunately, this often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in our lives. We say we trust nobody, but we end opening ourselves up to people who will only hurt us and reinforce these lessons. The truth, however, is that they didn't hurt us BECAUSE we trusted them. They were abusive and hurt us IN SPITE OF our trust for them.

We believe that the secret to overcoming the trust issues is to go slowly. First we began to choose our supporters very selectively, because people with similar experiences can have more of a tendency to understand and respect trust issues. That same commonality can cause much difficulty when establishing such relationships, but working through those difficulties can be very healing and strengthening as well.

Next we began understanding that trust is not an all or nothing thing. We learned to trust in stages, according to what others have proven to us about themselves. People do not come into our lives with the inherent right to be fully and completely trusted. What they do deserve is a chance. If we trust them with a little, they can then prove to us whether or not they are worthy of more.

SELF-RELIANCE (complete reliance on one's own efforts and abilities) -=- "I can do it on my own, I don't need anyone."

Self-reliance should not be confused with Empowerment (to promote the self-actualization or influence of). It is very important that we empower ourselves in order to more fully protect ourselves from the true dangers in the future. Taking back our power from our abusers and learning how not to give away our power ever again is an extremely important part of the healing process.

Self-reliance, however, is likely the direct result of our trust issues. We learned that since we cannot trust anyone else, or they will surely hurt us, it is clearly only safe to trust ourselves. In truth, relying entirely on ourselves is not self-protection. It is continuation of the isolation and it really only further protects the abusers. Eliminating the need for self-reliance protects us instead of the abusers.