Tats,
You know (I hope) that I try to avoid being directive, instead I try to suggest or simply offer my own experience. But it's time to do some serious AV-kicking. You're appreciation for all of us is nice, but I think you can take our support as a given by now. There is No Way you are mentally incapable of taking action; despite (to spite?) the AV you're communicating here. How did you get to the bottle shop for liquor if you're physically incapable of action?
Deliberating what? I agree with August - something must be done, if not several things. You need to get to the doctor to deal with that notion that you've "probably" broken your physical self in a terminal way. You need to talk about your altered life circumstances that have caused your future to be so bleak. Get that draft out and post it, or take it to a therapist, or share it at a support meeting. I think that stuff needs to see the light of day so that someone can help you deal with it.
I've got to fly out of here in 8 minutes to take care of business, but I'll take a cuppa that delicious coffee to go, please!
xo
O