Thank you friends 🤗
I drafted a long answer to Dee and Anna’s question, then reflected on the ‘woe-is-me waffle’ which was almost entirely dictated by the AV. The AV is correct in its assessment of the negative impact of cumulative events over the past year and permanent impact upon my future life.
In summary the AV says: my altered life circumstances are so bleak, it’s not a life worth living. That even to live that reduced life, I’m now required to take burdensome actions. So why bother, I might as well do nothing, watch the cards fall as they will without input. Switch off and drink.
That I’ve probably already sustained a life threatening illness through excessive drinking, and my body’s so weakened, I wouldn’t respond to treatment, even if I sought medical input.
In summary I reply to the AV: stop being so nihilistic, I have a life, whilst others do not, or are close to dying and you’re telling me to risk my life by drinking? You’re crazy. That I can’t change the past, I must forgive, let it go, start afresh, stop being stuck and take action. That I’ve the capacity to drive my life and not remain stuck in the rear passenger seat.
The AV is relentless and I make the mistake of agreeing with it’s ‘what’s the point’ and procrastinate over actions I urgently need to take. When I say procrastinate, it’s as though my body and brain are stuck in a full cast, without the power to operate. Mentally and physically, I’m unable to force myself to take action.
The AV responds to my inaction by mocking and ridiculing me. I agreed with it’s assessment of me, and drank.
The AV is screaming at me right now, not to push the send button. What a fight. 🥊 Oh, I won!