Originally Posted by
Obladi 
Think about writing the whole horrible thing down with more detail somewhere? Here or in a notepad, or whatever. What happened, what was it like to not get away with it, how did it feel along the way?
Glad you're back.
- Drank 50 units on Sunday - woke up after the Saturday session expecting I'd "get away with it" and be able to go on my planned morning hike to clear my head. No chance. My head was pounding, I thew up and then I went to get two bottles of wine.
- It took me two bottles to get back to an even vaguely normal state. But I was out of it and feeling horribly dehydrated and emotions were all over the place - mainly anger.
- I threw up again after the first two bottles before going to the shop again for another 2 more. Plus a sh!tty oven pizza and a twix.
- I put a number of loose instagram comments on people's accounts - supposed to be funny but will have sounded a bit manic. Talked crap to people on text including to one friend who I got very angry at. Effectively went off at him. I was properly in a rage at this point.
- I passed out probably at about 7 or 8 o'clock - but not before I went to the off licence mid-black out to buy another bottle and 6 cans of lager. Looks like I drank two cans and most of the bottle. Who knows what I did or said during that blackout. As I have a habit of deleting texts after sending.
- I woke up to a voice note from my friend who I had unleashed at. I deleted it as I couldn't bring myself to hear what he had to say. it was around 6AM Monday morning. It took me two hours to get out of bed. I had made up something the day before about working form home. I was violently ill and had ripped open my stomach the day before with all the vommiting and drinking on an empty stomach.
- I looked in the mirror, red face, horrible dark red acne breakout in my forehead, yellow, sunken eyes. I was in a panic. Feeling utterly wretched with nausea to add to the hot and cold flashes and profuse sweating.
- Had a shower and tried to gather myself and eat lunch. Managed a few bites and chucked away the rest.
- The rest of the day was spent in self-flagellation. Remorse, shame, beating myself up. And all the physical stuff to go with the mental anguish. I eventually took a double dose of sleeping meds and semi-knocked myself out. I went in to a sort of stupor for 9 hours which was not sleep - but hard to stay fully conscious with that amount of sleeping aids. I got up to get water about 20 times. Changed my sleeping clothes a couple of times cos of sweating.
- Woke up today full of fear for the day ahead. My business partner is in fine form which is a huge relief. I am "faking it" well. Lying, pretending to work, waiting for the day to end although it is a big improvement on how I felt yesterday. I know this physical and mental feeling will subside and I'll be back on something of an even keel by the end of the week. And the rawness of yesterday will fade.
- Every now and then my friend pops into my head - the guy I went off at. Think he's a bit of a toxic friend so not massively keen on engaging with him even though I am totally in the wrong. Will leave that one a few days - but I'll have to explain and tell the truth. Not sure if I trust him enough to do that.
- All of this because my brain convinces me I can "get away with it". That this stressed or anxious state I'm in can be released and "reset". That's the nonsense I need to get past.
Is this a bit too much?! Not sure if I am exposing myself a little here...