Hi Tatsy,
I just logged on tonight after a long time and saw this thread.
Such a whirlwind of emotions I felt as I read through the whole thread. It's been many many years since I quit drinking, but I could still strongly relate to that trapped feeling you were describing...that "there is no way out" feeling. As I was reading your words, I could feel it like it was yesterday. It was terrifying and actually led me to a suicide attempt so many years ago. I'm so happy you are out of the trap.
Most of what I whispered out loud to you as I was reading was "recognize, Tatsy, recognize and separate." The shame, the doubt...it's all designed to drag you back in. It has no other purpose. Recognizing and separating is what has kept me out of the trap.
Whenever I have struggled and the AV has said "nothing is ever going to get better" I just smile and say "maybe not...but at least I won't be drunk."
Even if my only two choices were:
1) sh*tty life drunk
2) sh*tty life sober
I'd still pick door number 2. That option allows for hope and change. Option number 1 only seals the deal on a sh*tty life.
Keeping you in my thoughts. xo