DayTrader

It does say to think carefully before making the decision of the third step.

If lack of power and alcoholism aren't your problem so you'll have all the time in the world to contemplate it. If they are your problem, I've found expecting God's grace while we ponder whether to act grateful for it or not doesn't last a lifetime.

I didn't drink at 9 mos. but I could hear myself sinking back into that old familiar pit of despair, half-hoping I'd die. Had you asked me I would have said I did the first 7 steps. Looking back now, I hadn't even taken the first step completely, skipped the 2nd step proposition but kinda figured there was a power greater than myself, said I made a decision in the 3rd step but it was just BS to keep the other AA ppl off my back - a truth that was evident had you watched my actions. Actions indicative of someone who's decided they need some outside Power in their life "or else," tends to look (in AA anyway) like someone writing a 4-column resentment inventory, a fear inventory and writing a sex ideal. Then one would see that person not reading off their inventory like it's an incident report but getting down to the EXACT NATURE of their defects of character - two different things completely. Upon internalizing all this stuff, combined with their lack of power and a heavy dose of powerlessness over alcohol, one would see that person live as if they were entirely ready to have God remove all their defects of character followed by a humble asking that it be done. That same person would then write a thorough 8th step list and follow it up by completing ALL of their amends.

When I told ppl at about a year and some change sober that I'd worked the 12 steps - that was a lie. I worked my version of them, skipped the 8th step list, worked on the list in my mind, amends were apologies and I CERTAINLY didn't make all of them......... To make matters worse, I figured I'd do step 10 IF it popped into my head and only then, I didn't do "upon awakening" and "when we retire" in step 11, and as a result, anyone with any skills of observation could see I didn't really have anything they wanted so anyone I might have approached to "help" didn't stick around much. Since I was trying to convey a message I wasn't in possession of, nobody wanted me to sponsor them so I couldn't work the 12 step really at all......... but I'd sit in meetings telling everyone I was in recovery and worked the 12 steps.

.....of course I was depressed and suicidal. I wasn't drinking and I wasn't recovering - a state I look back on and find was worse than drinking and not recovering.

If you're like me, you'll maybe see some similar holes in the rest of the "work" you've done. Maybe not. I thought my biggest issue for a long time was that I hadn't really taken step 3, as you stated in your opening comment. The clarity of hindsight allows me to see my problem is precisely where it's always been - in my refusal to really admit - to my deepest and innermost self - that I'm truly powerless over alcohol, drunk OR sober, and that whether I'm drinking or not, I'm not a sufficiently powerful manager of my own life. Once the realization of those two truths really sunk in, I gladly ditched "Michael's program of recovery" for AA's program of recovery...... and my actions were 100% indicative of someone working the AA program, not their version of it.