Dear sweeti I’m not wanting to be harsh here but I don’t think you can make it without rehab. I think this illness will destroy you and take your life. Please please look at the reality here you have been in this cycle for a long time and said you won’t drink again. You always do and that’s why you need rehab inpatient to get at least a month away from any possible temptation. This is serious nothing about smoking or your mum dad daughters ex etc etc this is your life. Please get something sorted go to rehab take the life line because you desperately need it sweeti