Well, I did it.
I told her were were going to Florida for the winter, and that we are looking around for where to move after we sell the house, probably out of state next year sometime.
She took it as well as could be expected. She said she was sad about it, felt a little abandoned, realizing I would probably not be around when the baby came and thought it wouldn't be very good to be living somewhere without family close by.
I was neutral, saying that I had lived for years by myself in California without family and it was about creating a reliable support network. Of course, she said I didn't have a child so its different for her, and I responded that was because I didn't allow myself to get pregnant.
I was surprised that she took some of my comments as well as she did. I told her that the thing that gets her into trouble is her "rose colored glasses" - the idea that she believed she could have a child with the same nitwit that got them both thrown out of their apartment this past February and somehow that was going to be ok.
I reminded her that she has many options and the only way she will be in trouble is if she does something stupid but that I had confidence that her sense of self-preservation would over-ride the tendency to make that mistake. And I said that as a 38 year old woman with her education (college and paralegal training) as well as numerous government supports, I had confidence that she would figure out her best path.
I also reiterated that my husband and I have worked hard all our lives, helped numerous family members through many trials (both unavoidable and self-inflicted) and we just feel like its time to shift gears given that we both only have so much time left on this planet.
In the end she thanked me for taking her to the interview and gave me a hug. I am very sad because I know it must be lonely and difficult for her, but I also have the sense that only by facing the reality of her situation on her own will she make the right choice.
If she thinks I'll be around to make up for her deficiencies, I'll be doing it the rest of my life and she'll never face them.
I hope she gives the baby up for adoption. At my age and the age/health of the rest of my family, I just don't see how any of us could handle participating in 18-20 years of helping her raise a child.
I am turning this over to my HP and praying for clarity and strength. This is difficult (the codependent me would like to rescue her and the baby) but it feels like the right thing to do.
thanks all for your support!