Thank you! to HardLessons and SmallButMighty,
I have spent the morning "regrouping". Sorting out what I know and what I would advise someone else to do in this situation, which helps me get some distance. I am amazed at how two days with her has me doubting myself.
I think the best gift my HP is giving me just now is my husband's desire to go to Florida for the winter. It takes me out of the equation long enough for her to do whatever she's going to do and for me not to have to participate in the play by play, up and down of her drama (or the horror of thinking about this baby's fate if she keeps it).
I find myself doing a lot of "if I do this, she'll do that" kind of thinking and I just need to stop. That is the kind of dysfunctional manipulative thinking that makes me inconsistent, keeps me hooked into her drama and makes me crazy.
I think the only way I can be consistent with my boundaries is to have a better plan for my own life, live it and set my boundaries accordingly - not change my plans based on her request of the day.
I think I have felt obligated in some way to be part of this baby's life because it is "family", but in reality I am not obligated. I am the great-aunt. (I think I met my own great-aunts about once or twice and some I never met. ) I am not the mother or the father or even the grandparent. And getting all wrapped up in the drama of one person (her) keeps me from doing some real good I might do in retirement by volunteering or something.
I think part of the problem is that I'm winding down my work life and I don't have something meaningful to replace it yet - but I can't use that as an excuse to do stupid things in relation to her.
I told her I'd take her to a job interview tomorrow (actually the third interview at a company that seems to actually want to hire her). This will give me a chance to tell her face to face that I'll be in Florida for the winter.
I think this is the best thing I can do to that leaves her to make her own decisions and protects me from the drama and fallout. It means I have to backtrack on my agreement to being in the delivery room and helping her move (if she keeps the baby), but better to backtrack now than later - or to persist in a wrong path.
If she pursues adoption, I'll need to decide if I am willing to help her with the adoptive family interviews or not. Certainly not if I already have plans, but if it is convenient, and if I can stay detached and neutral, I might learn something useful. But that's a lot of if's.
Beyond that, I think I just need to let go and not make such a big deal of it. I have fantasized about telling her I don't want to bond with the baby, that I am not willing to be part of the baby's life if she keeps it, etc., but doing that now feels a little like overkill. (thoughts anyone?)
I think nothing speaks more than just not being around.
Any other insight anyone has is highly welcome.
Thanks to all for your insight. It is helping me regain my equilibrium!