Tatsy, you know that only you can stop this tail spin, and the duration and damage it causes is entirely in your control. Not ITs. Yours.
I've been learning the tarot and on the devil card the people are chained by big loose chains, symbolizing that at anytime they can lift their own chains and free themselves. Just walk away. It is an illusion that they are enslaved.
If the real you didn't want this, you wouldn't be here. Pure AV buddy.
I think you were grieving and your heart was breaking and you turned to what you thought would give you some relief, and it turned on you, like it always does.
Take it back.