Hi Sweeti,
I’m glad to see you here and posting. The fact that you are doing this shows you don’t want to give up, you just haven’t figured out how to do this for good yet.
The ear infection is a much easier thing to deal with then the alcoholism. If you go to the ER, or some sort of urgent care they should be able to get you antibiotics for the infection, and they work pretty quickly. Maybe they can even get you a phone appointment.
I know it’s hard when a parent is sick, and I’m sure the fact that your relationship with your mom is not what you’d like it to be makes it harder. Try to remember she’s going through a lot trying to deal with the diagnosis, and all the unpleasant treatments and side effects that come along with it. Send her a letter or card letting her know you’re thinking about her, and that you are happy to help if she needs you to, but you will need to be sober if she does.
That last sentence is the big thing Sweeti. You’ve been struggling with your drinking, and it’s negative impacts on your physical and mental health for a long time now. You’ve tried to do it on your own multiple times and it hasn’t worked. I truly believe you need a reset where all you are able to focus on is you and getting sober, and feel like rehab is your best opportunity to do this. Call the outpatient you were seeing and tell them where you are again with your drinking, they said they could get you into a rehab, take them up on that offer. I know you worry about money, but I think you’re at a point where you need to look at the impact drinking has on every aspect of your life. You are worth whatever it takes to get you sober, hopefully you can find a free or inexpensive option, but if you can’t, look into a loan, or talk to your dad again and tell him you need to take money from your portion of the home you share, or maybe he will find another option to help you figure out how to pay for rehab. Your relationship with your parents may be strained, but they still love you, they just do not like what they see you doing to yourself, which is why they’ve probably put up those barriers.
I know you can do this, and I know deep down you want to because you keep trying. You have to realize it’s going to suck for a bit until you’ve gotten past the physical symptoms, and established new healthy coping habits, but those difficult days in the beginning will ensure positive and happy days in your future. The commitment is worth it. You are worth it.
Please call today to see if you can get in to the doctor, and to rehab. Until then post here when you feel like drinking, don’t wait until after.
❤️Delilah