Hello dazed,
I completely understand what you're feeling. My ex husband was unfaithful and started divorce proceedings against me. I would go from calm, assured, even bravado about the whole thing to absolutely desperately unhappy wanting his unfaithful self back. My mind always knew the right course, but my heart and emotions occasionally felt differently about the whole thing.
I'm so sorry you are at such a low point
If hope you will consider reaching out for help:
USA National Suicide Hotlines
Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week
1-800-SUICIDE / 1-800-784-2433
1-800-273-TALK / 1-800-273-8255
TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
Or, call 911 and ask for help. Tell them you are in suicidal danger.
You are worth it!