i haven’t posted in a while. I’ve had the kind of really bad day where lots of things pile on and I guess I need to vent.

I married an alcohol at 21, had a daughter with him
at 23, and have spent all the time since understanding, accepting, and coping with his alcoholism. As the alcoholism progressed so did the emotional, verbal, physical abuse.

We’re separated but not divorced. AH physically assaulted me during a relapse and I pressed charges, got a temporary order of protection and started the divorce process. That was hard. Like, maybe the hardest thing I’ve ever done, or will do. But things did get better. AH did sober up and I was protected from the abuse (somewhat).

The hard thing is that AH came from an abusive, alcoholic family. The consequence for reporting the abuse was that his mother waged all out war on me. She refused to let him be served with divorce papers (no recourse for lying to a private process server- freebie to her) and did a lot of other abuse, awful, but not quite illegal stuff. The best thing is that she filed a lawsuit against me, suing me for possession of the condo she helped us buy. Not just possession, but also damages. So I’ve spent a year juggling that.

I’m about a half inch from reaching a settlement with her but she’s doing things to sabotage the settlement. My attorney is totally passive on it all. I pay her **** tons of money to advocate for me, but ultimately, the only way she does anything is when I call, near hysterical, and bitch her out. I’m out of money, out of patience and feel like everything is out of my control.

The icing on the cake: now, as of today, AH is in full blown relapse and abusive texts/calls mode. Not only is my mother in law out for blood, but she’s used him as leverage to get to me. It’s very clear that any communication between him and I about what’s best for us in the lawsuit has been shared with her to sabotage things. Because we’re still legally married he’s tied to the property, too.

I know all the things I’m supposed to do. I know what I can and can’t control. But right now, I’m really stressed out. All the money spent on the lawsuit had to be siphoned from the divorce, which had to be put on hold. So I’m still feeling really stuck in it. Tired of the lawyers, the conflict, the wasted money.

I’m in so much pain. I just want to be done with the abuse and alcoholism. I feel totally unsupported by our entire legal
system, I feel victimized, and I just keep wallowing in how unfair it all is. I’m tired of trying to protect myself and my daughter from the craziness. I’m tired of not having an opportunity for a clean break. I’m just plain tired of everything. Why is it totally acceptable for me to be abused for years on end and the only recourse is the slow, expensive, painful process of unwinding myself from a drunk. He plays dirty and I just keep going and trying to pretend it’s not my problem. It sucks.