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Old 07-07-2019, 08:14 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
clarity888
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Thank you for reading and providing some insights, everyone--I knew this shoe would drop, but I didn't know it would be today, and right before a movie they'd planned. It was AH's idea to do this movie together. Having a hard time putting thoughts down, had a migraine since noonish, but here goes.

So he told me it was .019, and "one beer", which after this morning's clear test, I believe(d) to be mostly accurate, though he certainly could've loaded up after the 7 am test and tried so sober up by the 3 pm positive test. The whole situation had me questioning my sanity again. I do know his dream is to be able to "just have a beer", and it's sad to hear him say it, since he clearly does not "get" recovery yet, at all. Or want it. Still, in my head I thought "he called me to let me know, should I still tell him no movie; is just one beer really a problem; if he told me about it surely he is done drinking for the day; this is way more honesty than I've ever gotten". I then thought "am I really telling a grown man he can't see his son over one beer, when he admitted it to me at least?" Then I thought that maybe this problem with alcohol is really just my problem, some people just are this way, his drinking is way better than it used to be (maybe in quantity, but having been through rehab twice it's really NOT better just by being "less"), blah blah blah. You know, all the self doubt and guilt. But like you all said, anything above a 0.000 is unacceptable (thank you for providing the numbers Trailmix, and STILL agreeing that .019 is a "no"--needed to hear it). And I'm sure he WAS testing me.

I still did not tell DS exactly why I ended up taking him. I did tell AH that covering up for him, or totally sugar coating stuff like this, is not my bag. But in some ways it has to be, to protect DS. This is a fine line to walk. DS is 8 years old, and he knows that dad has an illness. DS summed up his thoughts Friday when he said "Dad is figuring out how to "be" without beer; sometimes you just have to decide not to, right?". I told him it's a lot more complicated than that, and that dad has an illness. He did say the other day that when he grows up, the only alcohol he will use is the "healing" kind (rubbing alcohol). His dad called him on our way to the theater (DS got my phone and answered it, it was in the back seat in a bag) whereupon AH started saying "I'm sorry, I made a mistake"...it was all on speaker...and I interrupted so that AH would understand that I had not come up with any details on dad not being there yet.

My therapist who is well versed in helping families w/addiction issues moved an hour away, so I am waiting for her new office to open. She told me (like many here have) NOT to let him live here until he has a year sober under his belt. I just constantly question my own actions and how they've contributed to him getting to this level. I read on these boards daily and it helps me learn so much. I so appreciate ya'll taking the time to process this one. SoberLink and how to handle situations that arise w/it are going to get complicated. I may end up getting called a "controlling B", who knows. I really did love the man, and still do, though what we once had hasn't been alive in a very long time. Anyway, thank you many times over, everyone. AND, sorry this is a freakin' NOVEL. Dandy, am taking those suggestions you made, for sure!

Last edited by clarity888; 07-07-2019 at 08:26 PM. Reason: clarifying
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