My mom never chose to do the work to heal her addiction and move beyond it.
I am doing that work, and it isn't easy. But it is worth it.
hopeful is spot on in that if you allow addiction to define who you are, it is who you become. It isn't personal at that point towards others-it is a spiritual contraction which manifests outwardly as all sorts of negative behaviors. But really, it's just a reflection of the internal self-loathing and fear the addict is enmeshed in--and only they can choose to escape or not. But so many get caught in the storm trying to help the addict when they aren't ready / don't want help. It's hard to accept one you love can hurt you so much when all you want to do is save them.
In terms of reframing, I learned to make a boundary late in life for what I was willing to accept in terms of treatment / behavior from my alcoholic mother.
I accepted far too much abuse nearly my whole life. Finally I began saying No.
In hindsight, I see addiction as an opportunity for those of us around the addict to grow. To get healthy and not sacrifice ourselves in unhealthy ways--to learn self-esteem and overcome huge difficulties. Not an easy learning curve, but very powerful.