I know for for myself, it took a VERY long time to come to this place. My youngest DD is still not there, she actively sees it as a choice and I believe deep down she hates her father for it. She cannot get past it. She does not let it control her, and does not let it affect her life very much (she does not spend much time w him), but when she talks about it, it's very harsh.
It does not mean I condone it, or any of the behavior that come with it. It just means I do see it as part of who he is, and it's my choice not to accept that behavior in my own life. I deserve more, as do my children. He does too for himself, but only he is in control of that.
It takes a long time in life to do one thing, look at actions and ignore words. You can apply it to all things in life, and cut out a lot of "whys" people do certain things. It basically boils down to how I choose to be treated by others in my life.
I needed that, desperately.
Great article, thanks for the link!