Alcohol - Like a Third Partner in our Marriage
I've been out of the house for over a month now and doing fairly well considering the circumstances of ending a 20 year marriage. I've been deliberately working on changing my focus and I've found a really great Alanon group, but I find myself thinking and still trying to just figure out why this marriage just crumbled like a house of cards, so easily, like nothing was ever there. I just still want to understand what happened because there was never any ongoing emotional or verbal or physical abuse; STBXAH was the kind of dad that was involved with the kids' sports activities (rarely missed a game and volunteered to help with their teams); he never cheated on me; he seemed to love me and he definitely loved (loves) the boys. But that moment back in February when I set a boundary that "I cannot live with the level of drinking you are doing" it - my marriage of 20 years - just crumbled at my feet. It's like he switched - it felt like I was suddenly the enemy, and though there was lots of ongoing emotional distance for years, he was suddenly cold as ice and I was out (with STBXAH you are either in or out, liked or disliked, good or bad - not much middle ground with him).
I recently heard someone use the analogy that alcohol was like a third partner in their relationship and I really really identified with that. I realize now that is how it has felt for me for so many years, for our whole marriage really. It's not that there were DUIs, abuse, missing work (but actually there was a bit of that), or other irresponsible behavior - it's that drinking was always his first love. I was always second. As long as I was there to support that, I guess I was in. When I became unwilling to support it, I was out. I guess he loved me in his own way but it hurts because I feel like I have been dumped for alcohol. I do realize this is the nature of alcoholism and I try to accept that.
I guess my biggest thing now is - why did I play second fiddle for 20 years? That is a question whose answer I may come to understand in Alanon, I suppose. Thank you for reading. I think this is helping the grieving process.