Thinking about my drinking
These days I find myself, more often than I have perhaps since I got sober 14+ months ago, thinking back on my drinking. Not sure if it's the seasons or my age or what but I find myself at times suddenly confronted with memories of very specific, often shame-ridden, ugly episodes from the last years of my drunken life. A horrible Saturday with my son as I sipped from vodka in water bottle and almost got into a fist-fight with a delivery man. Forgetting to take empties from the spare tire compartment of my parent's car we borrowed for a weekend, wracked with fear they would be found, taking half a day off of work to sneak into the car and get them even though they live an hour away from me. A morning of violent vomiting in the bathroom of a conference center I was at to make a big work presentation. There are so many and they have so much more meat on their bones than bears going into here.
I am not sure why my subconscious is sending me these thoughts and memories now. But as I thought about it tonight I have come to believe that there is a part of me that is finally over the self-destruction, self-immolation and brutal shame that both accompanied these drunken days and was borne by them. I think I'm in the clear now in terms of being able to look back at the regrets I have, confront them and, in doing so, let them die. I will never, ever return to the man who sacrificed so much to his addiction. I will never be that person, filled with the toxic combination of self-hate and utter selfishness. I'm sober and sure in my sobriety.
These thoughts also feel like part of the grieving process. Whatever self it was who lived that way, drinking drinking drinking, is gone - but it was still me then, and I've lost him, I've forgiven him, I feel sadness for the pain he caused himself and he caused to so many others. But I'm not consumed by that sadness or regret anymore. I'm living a life that I can be proud of, finally finally finally.
Stay strong everyone - regardless of the place we find ourselves, we can always make the decisions, small or large, to save ourselves.