I’m sorry you are going through this. It sucks, I’ve been there. Good for you for separating and focusing on you and the kids. I found that to be the most important step when my husband was in deep, of course it’s also the one I waited an eternity to take. But once I finally did it I was able to start to separate myself from his chaos and break some of my codependency. And most importantly our children didn’t have to live in chaotic home anymore. It’s so hard to find that balance between codependency/enabling and being supportive but in time you will.

Don’t let him take the kids if he is still using. I know this is incredibly hard and the guilt is extreme. I choose to let my husband continue to see the kids. It was important to me that he remain an active part of their lives but that is not the right choice for everyone and you need to do what is best for your situation. For me personally I settled on having him come to my house to see the kids or going to a public place when I wasn’t in a place to have him come to my home and supervising his visit. It worked for us because I separated from him due to not being able to live with his insanity but didn’t actually end the relationship. not that we really had one at that point but basically we remained married and didn’t see other people, otherwise it was more like a friendship during that time. If you want to allow visits but don’t want to be a part of his visits (which I totally understand) can his mom supervise since he’s living there? My husband lived with his mom for part of the time we were separated and there were some times that I would have the kids go there when she was home and wouldn’t stay.

As far as asking questions about his actions towards recovery I found that less is more. I know all too well the urge to talk about it all the time but looking back it was a waste of my time and in reality I was trying to fix him and that’s not possible. If he wants this he will do what he needs to do. And like others have said you will know if/when he has found recovery. Be mindful of his ability to manipulate and convince you that he is doing better when there are signs that this is not true. And like others have said and you know, if he’s using at all he’s not anywhere near recovery.

Thinking of you! Stay strong and keep your boundaries