When I was a kid I had this soft toy that I absolutely adored. It was a dark brown deer that I called Bambi. But it didn't look like Disney Bambi. It kind of had its own, unique look. Anyway, I took Bambi everywhere with me, loved it so much. One day my mum threw Bambi away in a fit of rage. I knew there was no point getting upset in front of anyone, I worked out at a young age that my feelings didn't matter but I cried in private for a long time and I never forgot about Bambi. Fast forward 30 years and there was a knock on my door Saturday evening. An eBay delivery. It's Bambi! Maybe not my Bambi but close enough. My 10 year old daughter often asks me about Bambi, what he looked like .... What year I got him etc.... And unknown to me, she's been searching the internet for him. When she found a vintage toy on eBay that fitted most of Bambi's characteristics, she told my husband and he bought Bambi. What an incredible little girl. I know it's only a soft toy but this has brought up so much stuff for me. When I first realised what my daughter had done, the effort she'd gone to.... I felt..... what? Nothing. A moment of nothing. Then confusion. And then the other feelings came.....the love and the gratitude and the happinness. But it's that initial moment of nothing, that's what fascinates me. That's what is so important for my healing and for my recovery. Because if I'm honest, I often feel that moment of nothing. Especially when I receive the emotional support I so crave. Sometimes if someone here on this thread says something nice about one of my posts, I feel it. Sometimes when a friend says they really appreciate my help, I feel it. Whenever my kids tell me I'm the best mummy in the world, I feel it. A moment of nothing. A moment of not knowing how to respond.
I'm not blaming my parents but because I was brought up by narcissists, it can be difficult and confusing when my feelings are acknowledged. Even now, as an adult. Yet I seem to have this constant need for my feelings to be acknowledged. Receiving Bambi after 30 years really brought this home to me. Someone loves me enough to do that for me. Someone has listened to the hurt child inside me and tried to help her. It's overwhelming. And so powerful. And I need to learn from this. I need to remember that my feelings do matter and I need to learn to accept that moment of nothing and then welcome whatever feelings may follow. Because all those feeling are valid. They all count. Can't begin to tell you what a breakthrough this is for me. All because of a soft toy. And an exceptional 10 year old child. Love to everyone and 24 more for me please xxxx