After many years, my whole life really, of dealing with things on my own, I also have felt largely alone in this world, even when I had close friends about me. My circle of friends started to include others who felt substantially like I did and behaved like I did with feelings of judgment of situations and others rather than looking at our own problems, and we drank together. It was an oddly cozy arrangement for a while.
As I have come to realize that my experience is not so unique, the feelings of being the outcast and the other are beginning to go away. There are times when my regrets jump to the surface, and I feel sad over where I am today, and I have to deal with those personally but not completely by myself anymore, and I live alone with no local friends but only loose associates. I cannot afford to let my old emotional responses to control me when I am having these feelings of isolation, loneliness, self-judgment, melancholy, or anger.
I am faced with changing how I think and react to situations and the reality of where I stand today. Good days now are mostly "neutral" on the scale of where and when I rate my emotions every day, but there are successful and positive days, too. I have an app that I use to evaluate my symptoms of anxiety and depression, and that helps me to pinpoint where I am dwelling with respect to markers for these conditions that help me identify where I am for that day. When I rate myself on these indicators I can usually see why I have been having a rough day and/or how I have been reacting to a day, either well or poorly.
I use CBT techniques to manage my thoughts and emotional responses, and I see a therapist and a psychiatrist to manage medications for me. A lot of people would conclude that I'm a hot mess, but I am also acutely aware that I am working hard to live better and to manage things, including my addiction. When I see the whole picture, I have to think more positively about me.
SR gets a lot of credit in helping me through this, too, teaching me how others are dealing with similar backgrounds, others who share what I am going through in recovery, and allowing me to get the things on the table with others, at any time.
I am not able to will my way into having a better life, I have to do the little things every day to help me be the best that I can.