06-12-2019, 06:25 PM
Join Date: Nov 2017
Originally Posted by flower959
I'm so frustrated so I'm going to vent here. 2 nights ago, my AH went golfing and that, of course, "requires" drinking. He tried to get me to drink with him after I got home from work (there was a glass of wine waiting for me on the counter). I proceeded in pouring out the glass of wine down the kitchen drain. I do like to have a glass of wine here & there. I'm trying to lose weight and alcohol is the easiest thing for me to cut out of my calories. Additionally, it feels like enabling him and I don't want to do that either. He knows how I feel about it but he continues to trying to get me to drink with him. So because I dumped it out, he got upset over it. I didn't do it in front of him, btw. He then proceeds to try to get me to engage him in an argument but I didn't take the bait. He did say something disturbing (& confusing) to me, which I ignored. I had thought about it all day yesterday. So last night, I wanted to know what he meant by saying what he said. The heated conversation began. I just feel like he completely blame shifted me. He says that I was passive aggressive because I didn't drink the glass of wine. HUH? I told him that I learned to never engage him when he's drinking. The conversation escalates and ends up being about more than what I even intended. Apparently, I'm boring to him. Of course I'm boring to him! He also said that he's never told me that he wasn't an alcoholic. WTF?! Seriously!? We've had many conversations about this! I guess now he DOES think he's an alcoholic but he CAN control it.
I feel like I'm going crazy! It's one way this week & another way next week. Per him-it's my fault, I'm boring, I'm angry, I'm passive aggressive now (it's a first for that one), I make him feel like **** for drinking, and I don't appreciate him. He asks me "Do you think that you're actively working on improving the marriage". So for me, that implies that he believes I'm not. Now I'm doubting myself. Am I really this person he says I am?!
this is called gaslighting and it is not ok. Believe me I lived with it for years...no you are not crazy he just wants to shift any and all blame so that he doesn’t have to take responsibility for anything and it takes the focus off his drinking.
Hugs to you.