FWN

I'm very new to this site, I only found it because I was googling the term 'gaslighting' after my therapist has used it several times to describe my husbands behavior towards me in certain situations.

Let me preface all of this by saying my husband is a good man and a good father, we get along very well and compliment each others strengths as human beings. We truly enjoy each others company when sober. I want nothing more than for him to just seek help so we can continue to live our lives together.

But I've been struggling for almost 10 years with his drinking and have come to realize that he is absolutely a functional alcoholic. We met in college and drank as a couple for several years before it became problematic, really I'd say the turning point was when we had our first child. I had to grow up and be responsible for the sake of my children and he continued on with this lifestyle of binge drinking and daily drinking to cope with stress.

So here I am 10 years later after many fights and frustrations. I've recently had this ah-ha moment when I started reading about gas lighting. My husband is not a narcissist, but I do think he uses gas lighting on me simply to keep up the habit. And it has worked. He will lie to my face saying he hasn't had a single thing to drink when he CLEARLY has. He will have conversations with me drunk and then the next morning sober have the exact conversation and make me feel crazy for questioning his level of drunkeness the night before. Thankfully he's not abusive to me or the kids, he just drinks too much too often. The only punishment he's ever gotten from me is a stern talking to the morning after, which my therapist has pointed out to me many times. No real consequences, he gets to do what he wants.

I'm to the point where I don't want to bring him around my friends in social situations because I know he'll embarrass me and I'll be mad by the time we leave.

I've had to lie for him because he drank too much and I didn't want to bring him out with me and my friends. So I told them he decided to stay home.

His father is an alcoholic, but only became one after my husband was fully grown.

I feel like I'm doing a terrible job of explaining things for back story sake, so I guess I'll just share what I'm up against at the moment.


Late last year we were preparing for a company party at our house while he was also going through a stressful time at work. He was out in the garage while I worked inside getting things ready. He'd been drinking that evening but I had no idea how much, he was standing there with a co-worker talking business and feeding my 3 year old snacks while he 'helped around the garage". I told him I had to leave to go pick up my older son from his friends house and asked that he have him down to sleep by the time I got back, it was past his bedtime.
I get back to my house with my older son about 30 minutes later and I cannot find my husband or younger child anywhere. I call my husband concerned and a police officer answers (and let me tell you what a shock this was, nothing like this has ever happened before). He says my husband has been arrested for driving drunk with a child and I need to come and pick up my son. He'd put my son in the back seat to go get pizza... no car seat. Then he said he realized he was too drunk to drive, pulled over into a subdivision and fell asleep. Officers had to break a window to get to my son. My older son had to experience me picking up his brother from the back of a police car asking where his dad was because he could see his car.
Words cannot do justice the heart ache, stress, hell, and embarrassment this situation caused me and our marriage. He told me while he was in jail that next day that he realizes he probably has a drinking problem and made a huge mistake. I was so, so angry and told him no more drinking, ever.

Gosh, it was maybe 2.5 weeks later and he'd somehow weaseled his way back into drinking again, promising only one with dinner or two at a party etc. He wasn't drinking every night that I know of, but we were back to where we'd always been where he was drinking what he wanted when he wanted and I didn't really have a say.

We'd have a lot of nights where I could tell he was drinking but he'd lie about it, make me feel crazy, and then apologize in the morning.

Fast forward to now, after more anecdotes than I would even care to share with you, last weekend happened.

Friday: he comes home from work early at 4pm so I can run some errands before I take my boys on a planned 8 day trip without him. I come home at 5:30pm and he's clearly been drinking. I calmly ask him if he's been drinking and he insists he has not and tries to make me feel stupid for asking. This happens all the way until I'm ready to go to bed. FYI - we don't fight around the kids about this, I don't even fight about it anymore with him before fighting with a drunk is futile. I was calm, hoping he'd just be honest with me.
He slept in the guest room that night and came into my bed around 6:30am and apologized, said he had a few beers after he got home from work and he lied to me about it and then he was embarrassed that he lied so he continued to lie. My therapist calls this 'addict brain' or something.

Around 2:30pm that day he said to me 'I know you're going out of town to think about things with us, I'm going to think about things too and how I can be better.'

2:45pm I go into the garage to ask him a quick question and I find him pouring vodka into his Monster.

I immediately told him my 8 day trip would be extended and I wasn't sure when we'd be back. He said okay.

He came into the house and told me he had no excuse and that he knew I'd looked into it longer than he had and he'd like me to send him information on where he can go while also working to get help with alcohol dependency. He says sometimes he has no idea why he drinks, he has no idea why when he knows he shouldn't he still chooses to do it anyway.

Vodka is a new thing by the way, liquor in general. It's only been the last several weeks that I've noticed he's been drinking that along with or instead of beer/wine.

This trip is something my therapist encouraged me to do. Get out of the 'dance' with my husband and his drinking. The dance I've been doing for years now, clear my head and see what I want and need as a human being. She agrees he's an alcoholic and her biggest problem with him is he's still so concerned with 'controlling' his drinking and convincing everyone he will just have one or two. He wants to cut back but still be able to drink, but he's been trying that for YEARS and failing. She thinks I need to figure out what I need for me and stop being so concerned with what he needs. Because what he needs is professional help otherwise this is going to get worse. And only he can make that decision to get help.

So I'm on the trip, I've read a ton about alcoholism and gas lighting. I've told him in no uncertain terms that we are not coming back and living in that house with him unless he is actively seeking sobriety through a program. He's given me quite the hard time saying that he's more likely to do bad things while I'm away because he has no accountability and no support. I told him that nothing about my presence has ever held him accountable for anything and all I'm doing by staying is enabling and accepting his terrible behavior.

He went to lunch with one of my friends yesterday, a woman who is our age who has been sober for a couple of years now and he sought information from her. So that's positive.

He's telling me that while I'm away he's going to look into resources for him so that he doesn't 'mess up' when we come back.

All of this long post to say, he thinks I should come back after 2.5 weeks total of being gone. I honestly don't know where to go from here. Do I go back and when he messes up the first time just leave? Pack up the boys and leave? The LAST thing I want is to screw my children up because of his poor choices. So far they've been shielded from the drama as much as I can and I want to keep it that way.

My older son starts 1st grade in the fall. I'd planned to send him to school in the area where's he's been the last 3 years (we moved away from my home area 3 years ago but that's where I am right now). I feel like I need to make a decision for his school soon.

I feel so lost, like this is such a big decision but my husband NEEDS SPACE to figure this out. I cannot live in that house with him where I'm daily concerned what he's had to drink, if he's drinking, how much he's had to drink, and if he's lying to me. I refuse to go back to that life.

I just don't know what to do. What the right amount of space is. I feel torn and lost and overwhelmed.

And I'm pregnant with our 3rd due in September. I know that if I go back into that house and allow this to continue on leaving will be SO MUCH HARDER with an infant.

If he starts doing AA this week or next, is that enough? If he says he's starting the program, is that enough?

Any help or guidance or advice is appreciated.