Should he stay or should he go?
I'm new to posting, but have been lurking for quite some time and wanted to post after seeing the great advice everyone gives. So, I was with my addict for 4.5 years (on and off with every relapse and "recovery") and just recently broke it off on Sunday after he admitted he had relapsed a few weeks ago. In April he left to another state to go to rehab and a few weeks ago left his rehab to live with his "sober" friends.
Anyways, I've been through this enough times where now once I've learned he has released, I let him know not to contact me anymore as I am not unfamiliar with his manipulation tactics. The problem is my ego. I always wonder why he doesnt want to reach out and grovel at my feet and beg for me back. I know I shouldn't want that, because every time it does happen I end up taking him back as I fool myself into thinking itll hurt less than what I'm feeling now. But a part of me thinks "does he not miss me?"
Another problem is that while I may tell myself that this is it for good, I think subconsciously I dont believe that because this cycle has been repeated so many times. I'm afraid if he doesnt stop coming back then this cycle will never end as I think I'm strong until he catches me off guard. I wonder if he's in another state and has not contacted me in two days, maybe this time it will be real and he wont come back and I can finally take care of myself and eventually move on? Or is that just wishful thinking that my addict wont come back this time?
Torn between wanting him to come back/reach out to stroke my ego and feed my insecurities or for him to stay gone as that may be the only way I can really let go eventually.