Hi Zamie
Great posts and honest accounts.
Here, we're all in the same boat basically. The only difference between people on SR trying to get help and stay sober is that they've quit one time more compared to drinking. However, the number of times we 'started again' is for the most part unknown, but certainly a big number.
What resonated with me from your posts was that yearning for 'fuzzy' and 'not a care in the world'. I'm slowly working towards realising that disassociation from my problems isn't solving them. Only solving problems solves them. It's real easy to apply this simple logic in all other parts of our lives, but somehow and for whatever reason, logic stops working once alcohol is introduced into my system. My control over alcohol lasts exactly up to the first drink. From there, **** knows where I'd end up or what I'd end up doing.
Regarding your anxiety. It might be helpful to realise that the anxiety isn't 'primarily' because you're not drinking currently, although the alcoholic voice in your brain probably runs a heavy-handed propaganda campaign to the contrary on a daily basis. It's because you had been drinking the amounts that you did. Alcohol absolutely destroys chemicals in your brain that non-alcoholics have plenty of. The sedative effect of alcohol is a ruse, because it turns off the natural production of chemicals that have the same effect. Your brain's thinking "why the heck should I bother with this, if the host is giving me an ample external supply of the stuff". But it takes time for things to start returning to normal and that time is critical.
Another question you could answer for yourself is: do you actually like the effects, consequences and emotions that entail from drinking or do you like some twisted, lopsidedly positive 'idea' of what booze feels like (even though the hard evidence suggests otherwise)?
The 'functioning' part of 'functioning alcoholic' is that oft overlooked miracle of actually still being alive and walking around when taking into account the damage and mayhem we wreak on our systems. 'Functioning' is also a nifty wordplay on things, because we never talk of 'functioning doctors' or 'functioning cashiers' or 'functioning X of whatever nature'. If X is functioning, then it's just X. So a functioning alcoholic is, in truth, just an 'alcoholic'.
Keep fighting the good fight! Stay adamant in your decision and the benefits will soon follow. And definitely keep posting!