Giving up weed for me was easy. Quitting cigarettes the first time was not.
I think your honesty is refreshing.
For years I drifted in and out of addiction, at one point it was cocaine, at another benzos, but always alcohol. But I didn't have a problem, because I could suffer through soul-crushing withdrawals and have months of "sobriety." Then I'd start again and gradually it increased. The periods of "normal" drinking and sobriety lasted for months, at one point I stopped for 7 months and drank "normally" for a year after that.
Yeah, I had no problem with alcohol.
My final binge was drinking 5-7 bottles of wine a day around the clock, which lead to an inpatient stay and a medical detox. They put me on a valium taper, and to be perfectly honest the withdrawal was pretty painless; however had I tried to do it cold turkey I would almost certainly have had seizures, possibly DTs, or worse. It's amazing what a little benzo can do if you're properly tapered.
I'm guessing that had you not had the valium, your withdrawal would have been far more severe, so in a sense you did "get off easy." I also "got off easy" in rehab with the taper, and at first I was just going to stop for 90 days and try drinking again, then it was 6 months, then a year. Fortunately I was locked up with no access to booze, drugs or negative friends and dealing with serious addicts and addiction counselors that didn't let me get away with my ********.
It finally hit me that I was in a place with heroin addicts, meth heads, and lifelong alcoholics who were in their 2nd/3rd/10th rehab. I woke up the first morning not knowing where I was and barely remembering how I got there. I didn't want a second rehab, so I decided that Step 1 made sense and I just really can't drink anymore. That one drink will almost definitely lead to everyday wine, one a day, then two, then three, then a bottle a night with cocktails on weekends, and I'd eventually
be back in rehab.
At that point I was past where you are now, and realized that...so what if I could never drink again? I was a trained sommelier, I'd never get to taste a sauternes with fois gras.
SO?
I'd never get to have that blurring feeling again, and I'd have to negotiate social situations sober.
SO?
When you start to add up the positives of drinking compared to the negatives, it's pretty weak sauce.
I hope that you continue to live for a while without alcohol and REALLY look at your life, and how good it feels to be present at every moment. Sure, you can remember the bloated feeling, the liver issues which CAN eventually kill you, the neuropathy (which for me was a lovely parting gift from booze), the blotchy face, the wasted hours.
But for me the positives are what keep me sober. When I feel this good, why the hell would I ever want booze?
I simply am no longer a drinker.
I like you Zamie. I hope you are no longer a drinker as well. It's good out here.