I haven't posted in forever. I'm sure my tagline has a sobriety date which I know is no longer valid. Ugghh. I had 4 good years of sobriety from 2012-2016 and then the last 3 years I have struggled with my drinking. A LOT. There have been bouts of sobriety in these 3 years, but most of the months I drink. Each time I go back to drinking after abstaining, I take more and more personal risks with my life.
That's where I'm currently at. I'm married, have been for 24 years (together for 26). Before I met my husband, I had another boyfriend. It was all very exciting. I was 20 and he was 27, foreign, cultured, funny, good looking, had a career, etc. I lost my virginity to him and that was a big deal to me. We had a whirlwind romance, most of it long distance since I met him in my small hometown while he was on business, then he returned to his country after only a 2 week stay.
We corresponded for months and he invited me to move back to his country with him. I quit my job (not a big deal since I was only 20) and tied up loose ends, packed my stuff and waited for him to come escort me to Europe. When he arrived in my hometown, we had a few days together before he told me he had decided maybe it wasn't a good idea for me to move to his country, after all. We fought. I put my foot down and said I had changed my life for him and that I was going with him, like it or not!
I went with him and he returned to work, barely talking to me when he'd come home in the evenings. I was staying with his family and his sister was a wonderful friend to me. After 3 weeks, I ended up finding a live-in nanny position in the same country, but a different city. I got my things, was taken to the train station by his kind father (the ex-boyfriend didn't even come to say good-bye) and off I went into the unknown. Not really knowing the new family I would be living with and definitely not knowing the language!
Again, it was a very exciting time for me. I made lots of friends, foreign girls who were also nannies. Most of them had boyfriends. I was introduced to a local guy my age and we fell in love. Over a 3 year period, I learned the language, got a real job in an office setting and got married. I never heard from my ex during that time. I was in contact with his family, though, since they had been so kind to me. Of course, he knew about my life through his family.
Fast forward a few years, my husband and I move to the States. I continue to stay in contact through letters with my ex's sister and his parents. I might have received a letter from my ex one time which I ripped up and mailed back to him.
Then Facebook comes along. His sister and I "friend" each other and later on my ex and I become "friends." He is married at that point but starts bombarding me with "I'm so sorry!" messages. I brushed him off, saying it wasn't a big deal because I ended up meeting my husband because my ex brought me to his country. LOL.
Over the years on Facebook we exchange pleasantries, liking each other's photos, etc. No real meaningful communication. Then I find out that after 17 years of marriage and 1 child, my ex has divorced. No big deal to me. I have no interest in him. He still feels guilty and tells me all the time.
Fast forward, again, 5 years and we are at present day. One day while I had been drinking I send "waves" in Facebook messenger to many friends, he is one of them. He responds right away, almost too quickly. We start communicating and over a few days I learn more about why he dumped me the way he did so many years ago. He still feels guilty, I forgive him and we decide to move on and build a “friendship.”
The problem now is that it has become an emotional affair! We message each other and talk on the phone most every day. He now lives in London and I’m nowhere near him, thank God! We can now actually speak in his native language, which is something we never did when we met because I didn't know it. It's so strange. He tells me he loves me, he wants to be with me. While the words are beautiful and lovely to hear, I know that will never happen. I will never leave my husband.
And here I am, a total mess. I have a wonderful husband, a great job and I don't want for anything. My husband and I are building our dream home, a process that has been in the works for one year now! Our home will be completed in November. What the $*CK is wrong with me?!?! I drink way too much and disclosed this to my ex. He says we all have our addictions. I know that's part of the problem, I am making myself too emotionally vulnerable.
Someone please knock some sense into me. I talked to my ex this morning and I told him I need to get my head straight and that he needs to not tell me he loves me anymore. His response? "That's OK, I don't need to say it, anymore; you already know." Ugghhh! Damn Europeans! In the meantime, my husband knows nothing. This would devastate him and him finding out would ruin my life. HELP!