Originally Posted by FireSprite

As an ACOA, I put a lot of faith in the Brene Brown Parenting Manifesto. It isn't written from a perspective of recovery, but I find that all the things it discusses do recovery-like things..... like holding ME accountable for my words & actions first & foremost. (and I tell everyone, this is crucial - you HAVE to be willing to hold yourself accountable in order to lead them in creating that for themselves) The habits & traits that it helps encourage defy codependency, IMO:



The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto (Brene Brown)

Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions--the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.

I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.

We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.

I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.

When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.

Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.

As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.

I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.

Originally Posted by FireSprite

I have it posted in our kitchen so that I keep it top-of-mind. Her website has great .pdfs of it that you can print off if you would like (it's listed under "Posters"). DD has a copy hanging in her bedroom.

Downloads - Brené Brown

She has a great saying that I always come back to, "Are you, right now, the adult you want your child to be when they grow up?" (I've heard it put this way too - "be the adult you needed when you were a kid".)

I do want to say, for the record, for all reading, that I know this is challenging at best & impossible at worst when your family is still in the throes of active addiction. (That lack of control thing again.)

Being an ACOA myself I can tell you that the most appreciated thing is honesty & transparency in an age-appropriate way. Don't tell your children things are great when they can hear/see/feel you struggling. That's a lie & they know it no matter how "white" of a lie you think it is. Our kids are hard-wired to respond to our emotional grid in the absence of being able to use a lot of verbal expression- they know you better than you know yourself, lol. If there's an elephant in the room, call it an elephant - don't play semantics with labels & definitions.

The thing we parents sometimes lose sight of is that the Fear of a thing is almost always worse than the Thing Itself.... so take away the fear anytime you can. Talk to your kids, talk them through their fears & then actively listen to what they share with you. Teach them that feelings are OK, even bad ones! You aren't a bad person for having bad feelings & you can't erase them by stuffing them down inside either.

Give them tools to use in life, essentially, & keep adding to that toolbox as they grow when you find things that resonate for them. Teach them to fish, emotionally, so that they never starve!

Originally Posted by FireSprite

My best suggestion is just giving them honesty (in age-appropriate talk) & being prepared for it to be many, MANY conversations.... not just one. I've always found that DD needed time to think & marinate on the things we talked about, and that it always left her with more questions later. It was important that she understood I truly meant it when I said that I had an open door policy for her to ask anything. Sometimes the only answer I had was, "I need some time to think about that really great question you just asked..." and then I made sure I DID get back to her, and not just brush it off. It helped me to understand her struggle by asking her the same question back before answering, "Well, what do you think? What do you observe about x, y, z?" That gives her room to call the truths out in a safe space without fear.

I also had to remind her that me being honest meant that sometimes that answer really WAS "I don't know". Not because I'm trying to avoid, but because I was navigating new waters too & didn't always know the way myself. I could promise to come back to her when I had it more figured out, lol. I also showed her that I didn't always have my crap together in all of this either -that it took me off guard at times & it was normal for her to feel that way too.

We talk about addiction as a whole, not just related to alcohol. We talk about drugs, gambling, sex, food - any kind of numbing behavior that can be used to hide or filter emotions. We also talk as openly about recovery & how so many people are affected more than we can see on the surface of what we know - I can't tell you how many times DD has been able to be there for other kids at school or in a club, when crisis occurs in their worlds, just by listening & letting them know that they aren't alone.