First of all, thank you so much for all your kind replies! It means a lot to be able to share our stories and also for me to see how even the title of my thread doesnt actually have to be that fatalistic, and that i still might leave this option open (of being able to still have my own kids one day). Also, Surfbee and Bekindaleways, thanks for practical advice on how to honour myself in terms of spending my time, nature, self- nurture.
Bekindaleways: Thanks a lot for recognising how responsible my decision to not have kids that was, No matter how painful the decision to leave the situation. It was indeed the toughest decision i has to do. Especially as he was ready to get married and i could have taken him up on that but i figured, this wont be ok nor loving-unless he truly is completely decided and dedicated to his recovery! Which sadly he wasnt!
FeelingGreat: your sister is right-there is certainly a feeling of deep loss and sorrow connected with the thought of not being able to be a mother in this lifetime. And i am now also going through this painful realisation, although I have really decided in the meantime to NOT yet close myself up for that option, as i said at the begining of this reply. However, its hard to even come into thinking of meeting someone new for me. At least at this point! But it takes time i guess, to process everything and i will indeed honour it and give myself enough opportunity to fully close one chapter before im anywhere near even thinking of going into another.
Sleepyhollo: I thank you for your concern and I understand that not everyone is the same and many people do have different issues from the past, including codependency etc. And I did read Codependence no more btw, but even the author states how these issues can actually be emphasised and even created in such relationships, so while tendency might indeed exist (and lets be honest, majority of people who are loving and considerate would indeed empathise and care about anyone in such distress), it can also mean that unhealthy situation brings out the worst in people and that those tendencies exist in everyone in one way or another when faced with a difficulty of loving someone so deeply affected healthwise! Also, i need to again say how I didnt even KNOW about the depth of his problem, as we were living in separate cities for quite awhile so even if i did notice lot of non-consistent behaviours, i wasnt sure until recently. Having said all that, I do love him more than I need to be with him, so in my eyes I dont see as codependency. Even if it is of course really difficult to loose this dream of happy family with him. Two more things- i dont believe he is his best friend, on the contrary: he is his worst enemy unfortunately! And last but not least: thanks a lot for your kind suggestion to go into therapy, but i truly dont need it at this point as i processed so many things already, also i have this beautiful group of ppl such as yourself to share my dissapoinment with AND believe it or not, i am not TRYING to be strong- I simply grieve but at the same time, i do consider myself strong enough to let it go with utmost and utter LOVE i feel for this man. And maybe this is gonna sound a bit naive, but I do somehow believe he is gonna find the way-but i have come to learn that sometimes this way for some people has to be truly painful!
Once again-thank you all, youre an amazing group of individuals and I am so glad to be here and honoured to be able to share my story with you! <3