As of Friday, I am officially going NC. I don't have a choice. He called this morning before he took his pills. Apologized for being such an ass the night before, and said he realized how much he was hurting me. He told me he wanted to come home and go to rehab and such. And so I extended that infamous "olive branch" and once again this evening (after taking his pills) tells me it's not a good time for him, he's not ready.
I told him I am picking him up Friday while his trashy sister is at work, bringing him here to load the rest of his stuff into my car (otherwise it will sit here forever) and from there, we won't be speaking anymore. He actually thought it was a good thing, it might give him time to miss me. Seriously? He left a month ago, came back, left another week ago...and just not seeing my smile daily isn't enough to miss me? Not feeling my warmth next to you, laughing together...none of that is enough for him to miss me? Ugh. And he still replies as always telling me "It's ok, I still have faith in us and still want a lifetime with you, the love of my life. Maybe that light bulb in my head will turn on in a few weeks of not talking" ...he really doesn't get it. NC doesn't mean a day, a week, a month....it means goodbye. I'm very sad that he doesn't (or won't) accept that. My heart hurts so deeply tonight. Him yelling at me that I'm stressing him out and pressuring him? I told him I'm not pressuring him at all, his mind is pressuring itself because he knows what the right thing to do is, and he's making the decision to do the wrong things.
So anyway, he's left me no choice. I'm going to end up in a psych ward if I keep playing this game. It's so difficult coming to terms that I have to be the one to officially call it quits. I have to be the villain, when in fact I am the victim.