novacation

Not sure what happened but my initial post was published too early and I don’t know how to fix it. Anyways, like I said, I’m new to this website and I wish I had come across it a few months ago. I don’t have anyone in my life that I feel comfortable talking to about this, and I’m not sure I know anyone who can relate in the first place. I’m hoping that someone here can provide any insight whatsoever about my situation.

I’m a 20/F college student and back in November, around 6 months ago at this point, I met a boy (my age) that I really hit it off with and we eventually began a romantic relationship. Early on, as in like within the first 2 or 3 times we hung out, he revealed that he’s a heroin addict but had been trying to quit for around a year. I, too, have struggled with drug abuse, though my drug of choice was amphetamine and I never really cared for opiates. Combine my history of drug use with my tendency to be pretty open-minded (albeit quite naive in hindsight), and you probably won’t be surprised that I wasn’t put off by his confession at all. Didn’t change my feelings for him one bit nor did it scare me or anything like that. So we continued our relationship and I really started to like him a lot, like my feelings were developing pretty quickly and we spent tons of time together.

Mid-December came along and I, being from a different state than the one I attend college in, flew home for winter break. Nothing changed during that time and we texted, talked on the phone, whatever. Normal couple stuff. I was actually super anxious for the break to end so I could see him again because I missed him a lot when we were apart. Finally the day of my return flight came and I arrived back at my college town around noon, he came over and we spent the rest of the day together, out and about, he even introduced me to another friend of his I hadn’t met yet. I had such a good time and I was really excited to see how our relationship would evolve in the next few months.

Not even one week passed before he dumped me, seemingly out of NOWHERE. You can imagine my surprise when he said he couldn’t handle a relationship “right now,” and he thought he could be with me and really tried to be a good boyfriend but he just wasn’t able to keep going. I didn’t say anything at all, mostly because I was trying not to cry in front of him, and he hugged me and said he was sorry and he would miss me, and then we parted ways. It’s been 4 months since we broke up and I STILL don’t understand what happened. I think he had just recently started going to NA meetings by the time I got back, but like I said, he told me at the beginning that he’d been trying to quit H for a year. Did he lie about that or what? I remember him being on subs, but I don’t know if those even worked now that I think about it because I witnessed him shooting up once. I guess I underestimated how much I knew what he was going through, because while I did abuse stimulants, I never really was “an addict,” and I never did meth, only prescription amphs.

Anyways, I’m about to finish my semester and will be going home for the summer as soon as I’m done with finals. I still had something of his the other day, so I texted him and told him to come by and pick it up. I swear to god, as soon as I saw him in person all of my feelings just reignited and I got so emotional that I barely made it back up to my dorm room before I started crying!! I don’t get it! We weren’t together for more than 2 months, and twice as much time has gone by since we broke up! I’m definitely not over him, and I haven’t been able to get this off my mind since I saw him a little less than a week ago. I want to ask him to meet up one last time before I leave town, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea or if he even wants to? Should I just leave it alone? Have any of you been addicted to H or been with someone who was? Do his reasons for dumping me even make sense? I can’t help but wonder if he used that as an excuse to get rid of me, but I know that’s probably super selfish of me to consider in the first place. I kind of let my guard down with him and he was a really good boyfriend, so kind and respectful, so smart and articulate. I could listen to him talk for hours and be perfectly content doing nothing else. I’m just confused and could use some support. Thank you so much in advance, and sorry for the lengthy post