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Old 05-04-2019, 10:37 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Katerina1072
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
He has run off because he doesn't want recovery, it's pretty much that simple. Nothing to do with you personally. You represent the "normal" the "i should stop being a drug addict" - that's not what he wants, he might want you and a normal life but he can't have that and the drugs - so he chooses the drugs, there aren't that many addicts that wouldn't.
Trailmix, you're the best. Thank you so much for that. I keep playing the tape over and over in my head wondering why he left, why didn't his selfish attitude that wants to keep using even think of being selfish about keeping me (I know that sounds foolish) but everything you wrote gave me a sigh of relief. I know everything will get easier in time. I've been working all day trying to get his things together so he can finally take them all, no excuses. If I have to, I'll drive the crap to where he's staying myself just because it's too painful to "see" him living here when he's not here at all.

I keep praying for closure, but your words are probably the best closure I could ever hope to hear. I can't thank you enough.

On a positive note, I sat down to watch TV a little while ago. I was surprised I was actually focused on it for a change. It gave me a moment (however so brief) to realize there was no stress, just peace. I can't wait till those moments are more frequent and the pain disappears. I plan on getting out a lot this week. I'm not sure what I am going to do, but I sat around all day today and it made things worse. The evening hours are the hardest, as those hours were always spent (every night for years!) watching movies with each other, talking and having fun.

I read in another thread somewhere about those leaving addictive relationships needing to take it day by day. It really is the truth. Too many times this week I've found myself thinking ahead to the future, a future without him, without our upcoming wedding, without us retiring...it sucks. Then I try to replace it with thoughts of where will I be a month from now, a year from now, that sucks too. Right now a large part of me feels that I'll never meet another guy, and if I do I'll never trust. I don't even want to think about things like that. So I'm going to treat this as if I was the addict (being co-dependent I technically was) and try to take each hour, each day as it comes.

I don't know where I would be without these forums. It's almost scary how much we all have in common. Not just because of the addicts in our lives, but all of the same emotions regardless of what the substance of choice is. We're all feeling the same things, just some of us at different stages in our own personal recoveries.
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