sorry I've not replied to your kind messages Awal, Hawkeye, Wombaticus... the latest news is that I'm heartbroken right now.
We're on again, off again, on again, off again.... It's been the most painful relationship I've had but one that has taught me the most about myself .... and i'm very grateful for this although today I just can't stop crying ... it's very painful facing truths about myself... about my flaws, my fears ... I feel so aware of how much I messed up.
I wish I had been more aware of myself and my reactions...We could be getting on great one minute, and then the next he'll hit out with a negative comment / put down / something judgemental or critical .. and I wish I was so zen I could rise above reacting but I'm definitely not, I'm sensitive and the normal thing for me to do is stand up for myself... but usually in a defensive angry way and then he shuts down and I feel guilty. :-( He hasn't drank in 3 months and although he's not drinking, he's probably even more moody and grumpy now which makes being with him so hard. at times.. and yet I love him so much too. God why is it so conflicting ? :-(
He said if I really love him then why do I take what he says so personally? Why do I get so easily hurt? I say because it's hurtful. Because I love you and I don't want you to say unnecessary hurtful things. whether it's about someone else or not, it's just not nice. He says he loves me but i'm too emotional and hormonal, therefore can't be with me anymore. And yes he's right ! I am ... !
I feel very scared facing the rest of my pregnancy alone, and raising child alone... and scared to face him moving on too. When we'd broken up last time, every fear I previously faced, I'd come to terms with, but now everything is hitting me again and harder than before ... because we were really getting somewhere I hoped, and we were both very excited about being a family... but it feels so done this time.
A couple of weeks ago I learned about the emotional "pain body" that Echkart Tolle talks about... learning about this has helped me understand many years of "pain-body" highjacking... but as it's all new learning, I'm no expert at applying obv after two weeks of learning ....... but I am trying ..
Very much wanted to grow with him but here I am ! very sad and feeling lost.