Ban, I don't know how bad it needs to get for you to take a firm grip on yourself and do what you know needs to be done. For me, it had to get pretty damned bad. Multiple trips over years to rehabs, AA, the emergency room, inpatient in the psych ward. Looking up ways to do myself in, wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I'm not sure how it happened exactly, but one day not so long ago I realized there was only one sane choice, and that was to stop drinking, to put it down for good forever.
That's the only option for you too, and you know it. You know the anxiety and high blood pressure have got to be, in large measure, due to drinking. You know that you are perpetuating the cycle.
You are not an idiot. You're stuck in addiction. There's a difference.
What you might not realize is that you're not in charge. Your addiction is totally running the show. It's using every excuse it can to scare or cajole or bully you into continued drinking. The cancer fear is just another reason it's jumped on to convince you that you're not in control.
I haven't been as blunt with anyone as I'm being with you. After all, I have a history of recurring relapses and I've only been sober for 38 days. Who am I to be an authority? But I've recently been so close to where you are now that I can almost feel the helplessness and fear you are experiencing. And I want you to really absorb that you do have the power to get out of this. You need a really good reason and you need the firm belief that this can be done. I can't tell you what your motivation might be, but I can assure you beyond a reasonable doubt that you can prevent that bottle from hitting your lips. The worst of the physical stuff is over in days. Yeah, it's hard and extremely uncomfortable, but consider exchanging that short-term misery with the day in day out you've been living for however long - it's a hell of a good deal.
I'm really pulling for you.
O