diha, by all means, keep working for it. Trying does mean something. It means that you really want to quit drinking even while your actions belie that intention. I get it. I was stuck there for a really long time. I was waiting for something to happen, like something happened for Sassy and so many others around here.
In the end, there was no final dramatic moment, no life-changing event that spurred me to stop. There was just the weekend that seemed to last a month, when I faced that drinking was doing absolutely nothing for me, had completely lost its shimmer. When I saw very clearly and rationally that my depression was compounded exponentially by drinking. I didn't make a decision that I can't drink - I made a decision that I won't drink. Ever.
Do I still have the desire? Sure. But I remind myself that I don't drink because it is really bad for me - and besides that, it's my choice. It's hard sometimes, but having made the firm decision (not stubborn, not belligerent, not begrudging) helps me to put that desire aside and carry on. It's not surrender - that word has really bad connotations for me. It's not "recovery" because I don't have a previous life I want to reclaim.
I'm sitting here trying to think of what it is.
It's a choice to care, I guess, and to deal with whatever that entails without a chemical remedy. It's a choice to stop harming or punishing myself, or whatever that was. It's a choice to live life as my authentic self.
I have every confidence that you can make the same choice, for whichever compelling reason you may have.