I totally understand where you are coming from. For me, the magic fall off day was 45. I couldn't get past 45 days sober for anything. Every time I picked up, I went a little further down before I would try to get sober again. It happened so many times, I had eventually found myself at a bottom that I couldn't imagine getting out of. It seemed impossible.
One day, more dead than alive, I went for help. The most important thing to me at the time, was taking it SLOW, I had to realize that I didn't need to concentrate on never drinking again, I just didn't drink that day. I had to remind myself, that I never had to feel as sick as I felt on day one again. The smaller increments were less scary and were more doable to me.
I had to accept that I can't fight Alcohol and win. I lose ever single time I try to show it who is boss. I literally kicks my A**. After I gave up the fight and admitted I was powerless, I had a chance to succeed, One day became two, then three and eventually, I made it past 45 days...then I just kept going, one day at a time.
Hang in there, and most importantly, never quit quitting. This is a cunning disease, it will make you think you can manage a drink, then it has you back in it's grasp. Awareness of that is a powerful tool.
Cathy