Hi, nhwm.
Welcome. Very sorry for your pain and sadness,, but glad you found us.
I don’t have much more to add, as you have gotten good thoughts from folks.
Other than to say that being in a relationship with an addict is like looking into a funhouse mirror.
Hard to get a clear picture of how things are.
As others have said, and I believe you concur, we can’t control another person.
We can come to accept, and decide if this is how we want to live.
I grew up in an alcoholic house., and it affected me in ways I won’t describe, other than to say that it has taken me a long, long time to come to terms with it.
One of the benefits of getting older. Clarity comes when it comes.
Take care of yourself and your children. They know what’s going on, and they need all the support and love you can muster.
I highly recommend Al-Anon meetings. Lots of support and understanding and confidentiality is one of the cornerstones of the group.
I haven’t had a lot of success with one to one counseling, but I know many on this site have. I hope it helps.
Peace.