Originally Posted by
AlwaysGrowing 
nhwm
Welcome! As you already know it takes two for a relationship. From what I read she doesn't respect the 'two'. I suspect you are providing a safe place to stay which make it so much easier to carry on her lifestyle.
You can't fix what isn't for you to fix, nor fix something which doesn't want to be fixed. From what you posted, lip service is what you are receiving. She doesn't want you in reality. You are a meal plan and roof over her head.
It truly 100 percent isn't fair to you, but it's where things are.
If you want to feel valued, loved, etc. then you entertain divorce and moving on to someone that understands that and wants the same from you.
BTW - I've been on that same boat the idea of failure just isn't want I wanted to hear.
Praying for you!
AG
...with a story much like yours for my husband and his ex-wife. So many similar specifics (like the affairs and alcoholism for "small" start), and I certainly don't know "all."
So much empathy for you. My husband is precious to me, and vice versa.
I work my recovery program hard as far as resentments I have about his ex-wife.
To my specific possible contributions to you - it took him a long time (18 yrs) to choose to end a marriage that just wasn't acceptable to him, fundamentally. That was up to him - and it is up to you- to decide if and when you reach that place.
You mention love, trust and fidelity among the most important things to you. Those are guiding points for our marriage, and we each feel deserving of that in another -and we are both sober, and working on individual then collective partnership. Now, neither of us would want to do it any other way; I was single for a long time (meaning, not married again, after my 20s dating and married to my first husband) during the same time he was married, so our paths and past relationships have different...battles, if you will.
Just reading your post, you seem intensely thoughtful. I hope that will be one of the things that serves you well as you navigate this truly [I can't find the right word to use instead of difficult] life. None of us can tell you what to do, IME and IMO - but I wish you the clarity to take care of yourself, as you find what that means in terms of life choices and taking care of others.
In closing, and I mean this as gently and respectfully as possible: you cannot change her. And, further, as there are two step-children involved in my life now, whom I love, damage is being done to them now. In the past three years since my husband and I dated, got engaged, and married, the process of "unraveling" all of the aspects of their home life, each parent (unfortunately, and not from us, they know of one of their mother's affairs, and she is still with that man) and his and her choices, and what they thought their family was, and it will be a long process for everyone. I come from a place where my dad desperately tried to keep our family together through my mom's alcoholic storm (no infidelity) and my parents did come out on the other side- there was long term damage in this scenario, too, as far as my brother and I were and are concerned.
Addiction and adultery and serious personal failings and battles are all family diseases and problems. They just cannot stay hidden - and adults have the choice and responsibility that kids do not, and IMO and intense experience...dealing with things is better than not. Always.