Hi nhwm and welcome.
As I am reading your posts I do believe there is something missing here.
- private person who values the concept of my partner and I are always us against the world
- things stay private, stay intimate, and we work through our life challenges and relationship challenges together.
- Trust is #1 for me.
- I have a person who knows me, loves me for better or worse, would do anything for me, and in turn I would do anything for them.
- marriage for life.
You also say:
"These things are a huge part of what make our relationship so special and meaningful to me".
Yet no where in anything you have posted do you describe your wife as ascribing to any of the relationship values you have, not one.
So my question for you I guess is why do you think you can change her in to someone she is not and from your description, never has been?