Your kids will always have a family, no matter what happens.




You say you believe in marriage for life. I respect that. Can I ask if that’s a religious belief, a belief that stems from experiencing painful divorce, or somewhere else? I think in many ways your answer to that question will help frame your understanding of a bigger question - why are you putting up with abuse for so long?




Yes. Abuse. From what you describe you are the victim of abuse from your wife. That doesn’t make you weak. Abuse screws with the mind and soul.




And, abuse aside, just the affairS- multiple... well, for every one of, and let’s of, her affairs that you’ve discovered I’d wager a significant chunk of change that there are more you haven’t discovered.




What should you do, you ask. Around here one of the guidelines is generally not to give advice. You’ll be supported in this community no matter if you stay or go or work on it or not.




With that...




You mentioned counselling or divorce as an ultimatums. You mentioned she said Ok to counselling.




I worry that this ultimatum might see her and you going through the motions. She sounds pretty good at manipulating, lying and hiding the truth. In my situation, my loved one with alcoholism has been going through treatment and “relapsing” (read: never getting better) over and over: I’ve learned that alcoholics need to want treatment and anything that even seems like pressure- let alone this ultimatum type pressure, which actually IS pressure- often just leads to more lies and manipulation rather than fresh starts and healing.







But that doesn’t mean *you* shouldn’t get counselling. This might help you untangle the effects of abuse so you can be more centred in your decision making. If you’ve never been to counselling before and want some info what it’s like there are lots of us here who can share parts of our experience. It’s not a bad thing at all.




You sound intelligent, self aware, compassionate and kind. Your kids are lucky to have that influence.




As someone else said in a different thread and now I’m plagiarizing... sorry you had to find us, happy that you are here.