Hello, nhwm.
What you're going through is so very painful for you and your children.
I am a recovered alcoholic female of 21 years. I divorced my children's father after 21 years of marriage. He had untreated alcoholism, and I later crossed the line and became a problem drinker/prescription drug user.
I still attend AA meetings and also Alanon meetings, which are meetings for family members and friends who are being affected by someone else's drinking.
As for the children, it's not good for them to live in a household where there's dishonesty. Intimacy is honesty. My father was alcoholic and after I became sober I had to work through all that. It truly did affect me and all of my relationships. Mine and my ex-husband's dishonesty also affected my children.
I really hate what you're going through. Having an alcoholic spouse who lies and cheats and steals the affection of you and your children is the most painful experience I've ever been through. Everybody gets sick, financially, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I can't give any advice, but I will tell you that I've seen many marriages healed and many marriages survive when the wife or husband starts attending Alanon meetings.
Trying Googling, "A Merry Go Round Named Denial." It helped me a lot.
In my life right now, my son just got out of a 30-day treatment center and I know from my father, me, my husband, and now my son that somebody in the family's got to do something different before the alcoholic will change. You can't change her until she reaches out for help, but you can do some things to help yourself and the children. Even though we don't think so, we're the ones who have to change until they get ready to stop drinking.
Good luck to you and your family. I hope you find some peace.