Conflicted with AA
I am 2 months sober from alcohol. I have battled addiction on and off my whole life. I attended NA in the 90's and remained clean and sober for many years without the program. I knew I could never do drugs again. My alcohol problem began after gastric bypass surgery. Before that I never was a drinker. I never liked the buzz from it. After surgery is a whole new ballgame. It is very common for people to become to problem drinkers because of the rewiring of your digestive system. You process alcohol very differently. I personally know someone who ruined their whole life because of alcohol after surgery and is now a felon. He never really drank before surgery.
That being said, I am very happy I am sober and am getting stronger every day. I have struggled now for about a decade. I am 50 yrs old and do not want to spend the rest of my life a drunk. It is ridiculous. I go to AA meetings pretty regularly. For the most part, I like going and it helps me. I am committed to the rest of my life sober from alcohol.
I struggle with AA though. There is a lot of wisdom in the program, but I am an Atheist. That will never change. I know I am powerless over alcohol if I ever have even 1. I know I cannot do this by myself and need help. I see my doctor regularly as well. I have made some significant life changes and am replacing drinking time with better alternatives. The thing is, I have no interest in having a sponsor or working the steps past step 3. I am NOT doing that inventory. I have been in therapy on and off my whole life and am acutely self-aware. I have analyzed my crap for decades and am not doing that anymore. I had crappy parents and was the scapegoat of my family until I cut them out like cancer. I am also not making amends with people who hurt me. No thanks. There is no one left alive I need to apologize too.
I did not start drinking to cover up my problems. My life was great. I drank because it was fun until it wasn't. I became addicted and stopped handling my life. I fell apart because of my addiction. I cannot post my challenges with AA in an AA forum. Those old timers are conditioned to believe there is only one solution. I have tried finding that higher power without God and cannot. I have no interest in revisiting a past I have left behind for my own sanity let alone sharing it with a stranger. No thanks. I get a lot out of meetings and will keep going though. There is one guy in my regular meeting who has never worked the steps and has 10+ years sober.
I guess after my long essay, I am wondering if there are others like me who attend meetings but have no interest in working the program. Addiction does not have a one size fits all solution in my opinion.