I have nearly completely overcome even the desire to drink. If I'm honest with myself the feeling of alcohol intoxication isn't all that pleasurable. Memory lapses, falling, dizziness, fatigue, dangerous situations...nothing really great about any of those things. I don't need to run the negative consequences tape any more...that's a given and has been pretty much incorporated into my mental status quo. I learned the Benjamin Franklin list above very well.
Two situations arose recently that made me think and analyze. I was to meet a friend at an event at a bar. There was loud music, and he was over an hour late. I was miserable. Being alone at a bar where I couldn't communicate and couldn't numb myself with a few beers was miserable. However, it didn't make me want to drink. It made me want to leave. Once he got there, it was fine, and we didn't stay all that long. We're meeting at a leather party tomorrow, and he has sworn that he won't meander in an hour later, plus a few other friends are going, including some people from work.
The other challenging event was the death of my dog on Tuesday. Otto was my best friend and companion, and I first met him when he was a day old. He got lymphoma and died at 7 years old, apparently lymphoma is common in rottweilers. The depth of my grief terrified me. For the first time in over 18 months I had the urge to drink and use, preferably a few klonopin and some hard liquor, until I blacked out. Now, I'm no longer a drinker, so actually doing this obviously wasn't an option, and thankfully the urge didn't last long, once I looked at it and thought about it, poof it was gone (which is how my cravings worked when I used to still have them....they have gradually faded away).
I didn't want to drink for any "positive" reasons like enjoying a nice glass of sauternes with some foie gras or to loosen up at a social event or even feel a bit euphoric. No, I wanted to render myself unconscious, as quickly as possible, to escape all of these feelings around the grief over Otto's death. Once I realized that, I allowed myself to actually feel them and work through them. I'm still in a very bad place, but it's an understandable very bad place.
I am no longer a drinker or benzo user under any circumstances, and I just added uncomfortable feelings to that list of circumstances. My counselor and I said in early sobriety that given my naturally outgoing and uninhibited personality, it wasn't going to be those reasons for cravings, it was going to be 'self mediction.' And it was.