How do you ever get to deal with the fact that you’re an absolute piece of ****? I know for a fact that I don’t know how to.

I had decided to stop drinking for good and followed that decision fairly well, except that I picked up smoking weed to help with the drinking ( no need to tell me how stupid that is... I knew, I had read about it and still decided to do it ).

Fast forward to one year later, weed got legal in my country, and it’s as easy to buy it as if it was alcohol. My mom, altough being the one with whom I smoked for the second time in my whole life and the one who thaught me how to roll joints, hadn’t been a frequent weed smoker for years until I actually picked up the habit, after which she started smoking daily. She used to smoke hash all the time when she was a young adult so I know that at least a part of it all is her own fault, but I still feel bad that my own smoking triggered her relapse. It’s not like weed is gonna kill her, but it’s just sad to see her liking not being herself above everything else.

Then I noticed that my brother started drinking an awful lot, much like I used to... And instead of trying to help him what did I do... Expressed my worries to a friend we have in common, while I secretly picked up the bottle again. How hypocritical.

My boyfriend is getting suspicious, and I’m scared that all the elders at work who already have a good idea of the addict that I am will eventually find out for good, leaving me no place to hide inbetween being drunk, high, being hangover and having panic attacks.

It’s so weird. The boat is sinking, and no one is even acknowledging that there’s water in here. Not even me.

It’s gotten to a point where it’s like I don’t know any other way.

I’m exhausted.